We all grow up hearing how our mothers comparing us to others.
“Look, Aunty Sharon’s son scored 90% in mathematics.”
“Mummy’s best friend’s son won first in a singing competition.”
“You see, your brother is smarter than you, he got 1st in class. Learn from him”
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Isn’t it time to change how parenting works in this generation? Growing up, some parents feel that comparing somehow reflects on their child or and their parenting abilities if their child is not as good as others.
Yes, comparing is a common approach to ascertain the performance of your child. You compare your child’s grades with others and then determine whether your kid’s academic achievements are average or excellent, thinking that it is a way to motivate your child.
You certainly don’t aim to hurt your child, but these verbal statements unknowingly do more harm than good. Has it occurred to you that regardless if it’s to a sibling or the child of a friend, subjecting your child to comparisons damages their self-esteem and makes them feel inadequate?
Lowers self-esteem
When you compare your kids to others, it hits their self-esteem hard. How would you like if you are constantly being compared? The kid will start believing that others are better than him and that he is incapable of performing well or living to the expectations of the parents. It can be damaging to personal and academic growth and can lead to future mental health issues later on in life.
Resentment
Being compared can make one feel resentful. It’s made clear to them that they are not as good as their sibling or your best friend’s child or your neighbour. It becomes evident to your child that something about them is not good enough.
Eventually, you will become the source of hurt to them and they will distance themselves away from you. Even worse, it fosters antagonism between siblings which leads them to behave aggressively, picking fights and hitting each other.
We forget their skills.
As we compare, we end up focusing more on their shortcomings. We doubt their abilities and their learning paces and development. Parents are not perfect, least of all our kids. When we compare them to others, we forget their amazing skills.
So, why does it matter if one child is musically talented and another isn’t? The non-musical child may be good at other things. Let them develop their own interests and abilities. They should not feel that they have to be more like a sibling or your friend’s child.
Social Anxiety
As your words sink in that they are not good enough, they will become inferior and unwilling to connect with others. Your child might think that since he has nothing to be proud of, why should he socialise with them?
Over time, they believe your message and would not bother to try even if there’s a chance to succeed. The child will effectively set themselves up for failure and shy away from any interactions.
We lose sight of beauty
Instead of being so hung up on what other kids are doing, we end up not relishing in the beauty of your own kid’s quirks. We risk not accepting our kids for who they are and instead push them to be someone they’re not. You are not doing them any favours if you constantly compare them instead of letting them shine on their own.
So parents, stop comparing your child to others. It gives them a negative image of themselves. Parenting is not a competition, you don’t have to brag about whose child is better. Encourage your child and guide them through their development. Let them believe in themselves. Growing up, I’m sure you experienced this too. How did it make you feel?
So do not rob your little one of the joy of childhood. Stop comparing and give them space to grow!
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