As bad as the word ‘divorce’ is to the parents, it actually leaves a huge impact on the children as well.
Growing up, every child wish to have a perfect happy family where the parents could stay together under one roof, and fun-loving siblings.
Hence when the divorce hit, everything seems to be shattered around not only for the couple but also for the children.
The Emotional Impact on the Children
Children’s reaction to the divorce may vary. Many factors could contribute to the psychological effect of divorce on them including their age, personality and environment.
Some may easily bounce back and move on while the rest will find it hard to deal with; the later would worry the parents the most.
#1 Blaming themselves or the parents for the divorce
The ugly divorce could cause irritability on a child. The feeling of loss, anger, anxiety and confusion makes them start to blame themselves or the parents for the divorce. They wish everything could be different.
During this hard time, they need to channel their rage to someone that they could trust to, which is the person that could listen and could comfort them.
#2 Trouble in adapting to the new school, environment, daily routine.
Starting life over is hard for a divorcee as well as their child. Adapting to a new routine and maybe in a new neighbourhood is challenging.
It feels like they are back to point zero with no friends, no neighbour, and schoolmates. Some kids may start to feel stress missing their former best friends and schoolmates.
#3 Missed the bonding session
It is not easy to accept the fact that their parents are no longer living together under one roof. They will never get a chance to see their parents hanging out together again like before.
Not to mention, due to custody issue, it is hard to see one of the parents and even if they have the chance, the time will be limited.
#4 Behavioural problem and impact on the academic
The child that can’t accept the divorce will rage and start to behave badly as a protest. They tend to skip school and start to find ‘entertainment’ to channel their anger.
If the situation is ongoing, it will have an impact on their academic and later will cause a worse problem.
How to Tell The News to the Children?
To tell the kids that you can no longer function as a family would be hard. Parents are usually scared of their children’s reaction.
They know the news will break their children but the divorce is the only way out for everyone to be happy.
1. Tell the truth.
Once you pop the question, you will be flooded by tons of question. Some might be too hard to answer as it might hurt them. But to lie to them will only make things worse.
Your children have every right to know the truth. Remember, they are not an outsider. They will be affected by the situation too.
You owe them the truth. They might be young but eventually, as they grow older they will understand the situation.
2. It is never their fault!
Your children might be in great confusion at first especially if your ex-partner and you have never shown any sign of separating.
During this hard time, it is important to ensure them it is never their fault. Let them feel that they are your top priority and you will still love them endlessly no matter what the situation is.
3. Avoid blaming the ex-spouse in front of the children.
Never ever bad-mouthing your ex-spouse in front of your children no matter how much you hate him or her.
Do not drag your children into your adult drama as what has happened to you and your partner are personal.
Condemning your ex-spouse will only hurt your children as no matter what happens, he or she is still their parent.
How Can You React to Your Kids’ Reactions?
One thing you have to understand is that the kids are still in shock. Their response to the divorce may hurt you. But everything will eventually be better if it is handled with care.
-
Be a good listener
You will receive bullets of rants once you tell them the news. Be patient and be attentive to every one of it. Your kids are actually trying to digest the situation.
-
Let them talk
Allow them to tell you how they are feeling. Are they mad? Do they upset? Ask them what you can do to make things better.
Let them know that you too are giving your best for them and make them feel secure though you guys are no longer function as a family.
-
Acknowledge when they are upset
If they are upset, let them be. They have the right to be mad when they see there is no hope of having a normal family like most of their friends.
-
Don’t avoid talking about the breakup
You might be thinking talking about the break up would hurt them. But, communication is the best policy.
Do not avoid talking about the divorce. It may hurt at first but will heal the situation later.
-
Tell them you and your partner are giving full commitment
Ensure them that no matter what is happening, the children will still be your first priority. Tell them that the situation won’t make you love or care for them any less.
Show your determination of making the situation better, that you and your partner are giving full commitment.
Help Children to Cope with the Divorce (As Well)
Maintain a stable relationship with your ex-spouse.
You and your partner may not be cooperative as a partner but do so as a set of parents even after the divorce.
Maintaining a stable relationship with your ex-spouse would help your children to bounce back faster and better.
Keep yourself healthy and happy.
Happy parent makes a happy kid. Your children might be young, but their mood is affected by you. They wouldn’t like to come home to the whiny and your mood swinging that would only make them feel bad.
Keep yourself happy and healthy, and you will have one happy child at home too. Furthermore, that’s the silver lining of a divorce; to be happy once again.
Always have positive communication.
Moving on is hard for you and your children. Hence you both have to support each other. Always have positive and have two-way communication to know how you both are feeling.
Get professional help.
You may refer to professional help if things do not work out as you wish. Do not be ashamed. There is nothing wrong in looking for help when you are in trouble. In fact, it is good to prevent unwanted things from happening.
It is not easy for a child to digest about a divorce. But as much as they want their parents to keep it together for them, they know they have to let it go.
Spare your children some times before they adapt to the situation. Let them be in charge of their own feeling, let them be in control. Eventually, things will be better.