Raising your children is no walk in the park. Everything you say and do can have a long-lasting effect on them.
This is why having a glass child places you in a difficult position.
What is a Glass Child
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A glass child is the sibling of a child with a disability or chronic disease.
The word ‘glass’ is chosen to describe them because people tend to see right through them and focus only on the person with the disability.
Glass child syndrome is not a medically recognised term but it is widely used in layman discussions.
When a child is facing a long-term illness or disability, the focus immediately shifts to them. Between hospital visits, treatments, and extra care, your attention as a parent is pretty much all on them.
Sometimes you have no choice other than to be with the child that is in the more dire situation. No one wants to choose between their kids but sometimes that is the only option you have.
Any adult should know that when someone else is going through a serious health issue they can’t make a fuss and vie for attention. But your child is not an adult.
All they know is that yes, their sibling is sick, but now their parents don’t seem to care about them anymore.
Of course, you don’t think that way and would never hurt your child’s feelings intentionally, but things add up.
First you miss their piano recital to take care of their sibling. Then it becomes birthdays stuck at the hospital. Every instance that you put one child’s needs in front of another’s is a small betrayal.
This repeated sense of betrayal is what creates a ‘glass child’. They feel neglected and unimportant.
Glass children end up hyper-independent, perfectionists and people pleasers. On the other hand, some of them reach a breaking point and end up cutting off their families completely.
This sounds very hopeless, as if no matter which child you prioritise, you will be abandoning the other.
That absolutely does not have to be the case as long as you learn how to appreciate both children while carrying out your responsibilities as a parent.
What Makes Glass Child Syndrome Worse
Not every case of glass child syndrome is the same. Different factors come into play and can make the situation better or worse for your child.
Financial Situation
When it comes to healthcare, the more money you can afford to spend on it, the better it is. This means some families end up pouring out their savings for their sick child.
It is not up to us to say whether or not this is a good decision, because nothing is more important than your child’s livelihood.
Nevertheless, you must be aware of the impact on your other children.
Having to skimp by while your sibling is getting taken care of can be tiring. It is not easy to be understanding when you are missing out on things.
Age
Older sibling tends to take the brunt of responsibility whether or not they have ill siblings.
Forced to grow up too early, they will have an even harder time when their efforts to be the man or woman of the house are passed over.
Even if your glass child is the middle or younger sibling, it may seem to them as if they have been ignored since birth and don’t really matter to the family.
Family Situation
Sometimes other family members can step in to help with your other children while you tend to the one that needs the most care. Aunts, uncles and grandparents can fill the gaps left behind by busy parents.
What happens when there is no one else to fill your shoes? This is when your child truly feels alone.
Having another family member to take care of them lessens the sting of being placed second, but your child still needs to spend time with you.
Guilt
Sometimes children act out, especially when they are trying to get their parents attention. What they truly want is some affection and care, but they might not know how to show that so they become unruly instead.
Parents who are already under a lot of stress may snap as their other children start acting up while another is in the hospital or an undergoing intense medical situation.
Trying to guilt trip your other children is the worst possible thing you could do. Even if you are at your wits end, it is never acceptable to put the blame on your child for not understanding the situation.
What you need to remember is that their feelings are valid and you cannot dismiss it as bad behaviour. The situation is so complex that there is no right or wrong, just what must be done and how you treat them.
Treat Your Child Fairly
It may seem like everything about this situation is just bad news. On one hand you have a sick child who needs your care and on the other who have a one who feels neglected and left behind.
So how do you juggle priorities? The key is transparency. Being a good parent doesn’t mean you have to please everyone at the same time, it means managing your priorities while being as fair as possible.
Your child deserves to know why you are so preoccupied. Most of the resentment comes from being ignored, so if you keep them in the loop and explain why things need to be this way, they will come around eventually.
Even if you have to miss out on some of the events in their life, instead of getting mad when they don’t understand, try explaining why you have to be there for their sibling.
Even if you have to do it every time you have to choose between them, always explain yourself and apologise. Once the unfairness of situation is acknowledged, your child will have an easier time accepting it.
As tempting as it is to defend yourself, you will get much better results by acknowledging the unfairness of the situation for everyone involved and validating your child’s feelings.
Try to make it up to them somehow after the fact. Keep them updated and make them a priority sometimes. A little can go a long way as long as you are honest and open with your child.
Last but not least, never separate your children. It is vital that they are close and have a good relationship. Estranged siblings have much more resentful feelings than close ones.
Take Things in Stride
There is no possible way to be completely fair to your children. But that is life. As long as you try your best and treat your children well, there is no damage that cannot be repaired.
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