Sometimes duty, dreams and desire may take us away from our kids.
They may then be left to fend for themselves in an unforgiving world.
In homes where the parents are aloof or otherwise preoccupied with anything else but their kids, some children may even have to become the guardians and providers.
While this phenomenon is more often seen in neglectful, abusive, impoverished and broken families, it can often manifest in normal households too. Even those with high-earning parents, well-behaved kids and all the amenities you could possible want.
Sometimes parents can be absent from their kids’ lives even without them knowing.
If you have more than one child, parentification is more likely to happen.
But first, what is parentification?
What Is Parentification
Parentification is a term used to describe a process whereby the eldest child takes on a adult role in the family in the absence of an adequate parental figure.
In these cases, the older kids usually end up having to parent their younger siblings. Making sure they have enough food, go to school on time and do their homework, etc.
This phenomenon is most accurately portrayed in tv shows like Shameless and movies like A Series of Unfortunate Events.
Parentification is also more likely to happen with orphan siblings.
In some cases, and in only-child and/or single parent families, the kid ends up having to parent their parent. Parents who are often needy, irresponsible, immature, or make bad decisions.
And their kids are the ones who have to swoop in to save the day.
In the novel Twilight, the main protagonist Bella Swan can be seen as a fulfilling the role of the parentified only child, a reality aptly described in the following passage.
How could I leave my loving, erratic, harebrained mother to fend for herself? Of course she had Phil now, so the bills would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in her car, and someone to call when she got lost, but still…
If you were parentified as a child, you may end up developing neurotic behaviours as an adult.
These behaviours often manifest as people-pleasing, taking on more responsibilities than you can handle, high-functioning anxiety, martyrdom (toxic self-sacrifice), chronic perfectionism and even substance abuse.
You may also have trouble forming relationships.
Other cases where parentification is more likely to happen is when the parent is struggling from a debilitating illness, an addiction, or a mental disorder that prevents them from functioning normally as a productive member of society.
Warning Signs Your Kids May Be Undergoing Parentification
They’re Doing Adult Things
They may be doing them often and without being asked as if they are expected to.
Sometimes some parents may assign adult responsibilities to their kids without thinking.
Or worse, they neglect their parental duties so often that the kids notice and take matters into their own hands to survive.
Even ‘simple things’ like cooking meals, doing the family laundry, cleaning the toilet, buying groceries, taking the public transport to school, etc.
Encouraging your kids to do chores as children is a great way to cultivate independence and responsibility.
But it should not be the only thing your kids do, or something that only your eldest child is responsible for.
Chores are best done as a family, maybe during the weekends.
Their Mental Health Is Suffering
Studies show that parentified children are at higher risk for having mental health problems growing up.
Depression, stress, hyperactivity, aggression, guilt and self-blame may manifest as a result of parentification.
They may have trouble with their grades, have trouble making friends, are more prone to burnouts and may be prone to self-destructive habits.
Taking on adult responsibilities can put an enormous amount of pressure on young kids. Even if they’re teenagers.
They are expected to excel at school, and also take care of their siblings when they get home.
If your kids are showing these symptoms, and you suspect you’ve been giving them too many adult duties, then they may be undergoing parentification.
They Are Too Mature for Their Age
Parentified children often have to wise-up faster than their peers to compensate for the lack of parental figure.
This is a survival mechanism and may happen faster if they have younger siblings that they may feel responsible for.
Parentified children are also often very realist view of life, bordering on cynical or pessimistic.
While it’s good for kids to be mature, they shouldn’t have to be at the expense of their childhood.
In some cases, the parent turns to the parentified child for comfort and emotional support instead other way around.
Letting Kids be Kids
If your kids don’t check any of these boxes, then you’re safe.
Not to say that you’re a bad parent if your eldest is showing signs of parentification.
Sometimes it may not be your fault that you can’t be there for your kids as often as you want.
You may have a demanding career, or you’re working two jobs to make ends meet.
There’s also some studies that suggest elder kids eventually end up being the babysitter anyway when their parents go out for date night, etc.
But if you see this pattern of behaviour in people you know, close friends or family members, do lend a hand if you can so the kids can have some semblance of a childhood.
Sometimes some parents can’t help but assign adult responsibilities to their kids.
If you’re able to catch yourself unintentionally parentifying your kids, stop. Let your kids be kids.
They deserve to enjoy a normal, idyllic childhood free of worry and responsibility. At least for a little while.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for informational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice from Motherhood. For any health-related concerns, it is advisable to consult with a qualified healthcare professional or medical practitioner.
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