Open communication between husband and wife is vital for a healthy, happy marriage.
But when secrets come between you and your spouse, there is bound to be some tension.
We all have our own skeletons in the closet, things even our nearest and dearest don’t know about. They are locked away for a reason, whether that’s from shame, pain or something else.
They may have an embarrassing obsession with action figures, or are secretly going to the gym to lose some weight before that vacation. Or theyre keeping a secret because it’s simply not theirs to tell.
But what happens when those skeletons come crawling out, threatening to tear your relationship apart?
Honesty is always the best policy, but how do you know if your loved one is keeping the truth from you for a good reason. Or if there are ulterior motives behind it all.
If you want some help in navigating the challenges of dealing with a secretive spouse, read on.
6 Ways to Deal with a Secretive Spouse
Recognise the Signs
Sometimes we’re more suspicious than we should be. People who look for trouble often find it, even if it’s not real.
Similarly, if you think your spouse is hiding something, then you may just be looking for signs that aren’t there. So acknowledge first if there truly is a deep dark secret haunting your home. Lack of eye contact is usually the first sign of a secret or a lie.
Gaslighting is another toxic trait often seen in people who have a lot of secrets. This is where they make you feel insane for being suspicious.
If they’ve started to password-protect their phone when they haven’t previously, then that may also be another sign. One possible sign of infidelity is usually always lack of sex in the bedroom.
It’s the smallest details that you need to pay attention to.
Decide if it Matters
A secrets is simply an omission of truth. But does that still count as a lie? That’s what you have to figure out if you’re really sure about shining a light on your spouse’s secrets.
Especially if you believe in your heart of hearts that infidelity, substance abuse or even crime may be involved. Pay attention to the signs and don’t ignore any red flags if they do pop up.
And those signs have to be concrete, evidence-based. Text messages, emails, letters, shopping receipts, and even GPS location history on their smartphones.
Avoid Interrogations
The first thing we always do when we suspect someone is keeping something from us is to poke and prod until they spill the beans. But that’s not the best way to deal with a secretive spouse.
It may end in a terrible fight, or an exchange or unpleasant words. Sometimes even after marriage people still enjoy their privacy and there’s nothing wrong with having secret hobbies as long as they are legal and ethical.
So do not keep pressing your spouse for answers and avoid jumping to conclusions. There are other ways of uncovering someone’s secrets.
Do Some Ethical Snooping
Unless outright expressed by your spouse, attempt some reconnaissance disguised as a spring cleaning session.
While he or she is out of the house, go through your house to see if there are any indications of infidelity or other unlawful behaviour.
After all, this isn’t just about curiosity now. If they really do have some deep dark secret it will affect the entire family.
Check the internet history, and trash cans for receipts. Check your bank account for any online or cashless transactions.
Talk it Out
But let’s be honest, snooping for any reason is not classy. In fact it will make you seem like a distrustful wife who harbours suspicion everywhere she goes.
So sometimes the only way to uncover secrets is to talk things out. But if you’ve tried asking and your spouse won’t budge, it may be time to bright your own skeletons into the light.
Share some deep embarrassing secret about yourself you’ve never told your spouse. And see if they open up.
Respect Boundaries
So you put two and two together and find out that your spouse definitely has a secret. You confront them about it and they’re not denying it. But then they say it’s nothing to worry about.
What do you do then? If your spouse insists that it’s nothing serious and you know they’re telling the truth about that at least, then let it go.
It’s not worthy pursuing potentially harmless secrets at the expense of your marriage.
Let Secrets be Secrets
Transparency, honesty and truthfulness are all important to a marriage. But perhaps sometimes secrets are too. People hide things from their loved ones for many reasons, especially in a marriage.
It does not always have to be something malicious like a mistress, a gambling addiction or a secret, second family. Sometimes they may have illness, or a friend that needs help, or outstanding debts.
In which case, analyse the reason why they don’t trust you enough to share their secrets with you. Perhaps you’ve been judgement in the past, or perhaps even cruel when they confess something deeply important or personal.
These are all questions you need to ask yourself before going through someone’s secrets. With any luck you’ll have no more secrets between each other.
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