Parents have been told how to raise their kids for decades, and from every possible source: family members, friends, books, magazines, tv shows, online articles, scientific journals.
And sometimes, these often conflicting suggestions can harm more than help.
Some might advise that you have to be firm, but not too strict. Loving, but not overly indulgent. Attentive but not overbearing.
There are also no shortages of ‘styles’ that parents have to adopt in the path of perfect parenting.
Before it was even given a name, many Boomer and Gen X parents typically went with the only way they knew of: authoritarian parenting.
Children did exactly as they were told. Disobedience and bad behaviour were punished.
There wasn’t much room for messy feelings or vulnerable heart-to-hearts.
And while some adults who were raised in that environment may claim the efficacy of such methods, the rise of mental health cases today is alarming.
Experts explained it may be the result of traumatic upbringing – and there is a lot of truth to this.
Recent studies show irrefutable proof of the harms of authoritarian parenting on adults years down the line.
From self-esteem issues to substance abuse. The harms of bad parenting can leave scars decades down the line.
Nowadays, it is taboo to punish your kids, let alone discipline them harshly with time-outs or corporal.
Parents are more afraid now than ever about traumatising their children.
But thankfully, there’s a much better alternative, right?
Enter the world of gentle parenting. A method of raising children based on the tenets of empathy, understanding and respect.
You avoid yelling, corporal punishments, threats and other toxic parenting techniques. Sounds simple enough, right?
But how many of us have seen a gentle parent in action?
Are they the shining beacon of parental excellence?
Perhaps the reality is a bit different from the expectation.
We all know the scene by heart: An exhausted-looking mother kneeling over a crying toddler speaking words of comfort as passersby walk past with pitied looks on their faces. The toddler never stops screaming and the mother leads him away disappointedly, averting eye contact with everyone she crosses path with.
While many have indeed found success with gentle parenting, we cannot deny that it’s definitely not the magic bullet that it’s been marketed to be.
If you’ve opted to raise your children this way but may be struggling, don’t worry. We are here to help.
Here’s why the method may not be working for you and your family.
The Problem with Gentle Parenting
Gentle Parenting May Disregard Real Life Circumstances
Gentle parenting looks great on the surface.
You’re parenting from a place of patience, you’re teaching your kids emotional regulation, and you’re disciplining without giving them irreparable psychological damage that follows them into adulthood.
But imagine having to drop everything you’re doing to help your child self-soothe while they cry a puddle of tears in the middle of the living room, at 9 a.m. in the morning, during a workday.
It’s another thing if they’re autistic or have special needs.
Nothing says socioeconomic privilege like being able to follow all the principles of gentle parenting to a T.
Compare a parent who works from home with a five figure salary with another who juggles multiple jobs working minimum wage with barely any time on the weekends – which of them do you think will likely have a better chance at performing gentle parenting than the other?
Imagine if we all had the time, the patience, the emotional capacity to gentle-parent our child every time perfectly.
If every parent followed gentle parenting, some of us may get nothing done.
Gentle Parenting May Not Always Be Applicable
Gentle parenting is great if you have kids who have learned their ABCs and can string along sentences together. Children who can learn to tie their own shoes and walk around on their own.
But tantrums and meltdowns aren’t an age-specific phenomenon.
Babies also get fussy and not forgetting toddlers who have yet to start talking.
Yes, you can still apply gentle parenting techniques like emotional regulation and holding space.
However, they are less likely to have any sort of benefit.
After all, gentle parenting may not be effective for every child or every situation.
Moreover, kids will be kids.
There may be no deeper psychological or emotional nuances that you can unpack like wanting attention or sibling rivalry.
They may do things that defy reason and these are the moments where gentle parenting may not save you.
Gentle Parenting May Perpetuate Mum-Shaming
We’ve all met the mums who totally turn a blind eye as their screaming child terrorises a shopful of customers.
Or it may be the mum who scolds their child in public for all the world to see.
You may be a gentle parent yourself, possibly judging silently on the sidelines, thanking your lucky stars that your kid was well-behaved that day and not embarrassing you.
While it is definitely not okay to yell at your child or beat them, it’s important to have some empathy.
At the end of the day, there is no perfect parent.
And no matter how great you might think you are at gentle parenting, you may probably still commit some small sins here and there that can cause your child unintentional trauma.
Those who have mastered gentle parenting may (hopefully unintentionally) judge those who have not and this creates a whole new wave of mum-shaming that does not help anyone.
Gentle Parenting May Not Be Sustainable
Let’s get one thing straight though, gentle parenting does work.
In many situations and when done properly, it can be a powerful method to help children cope better.
But jumping from the previous point, parents are humans too. And they will have human moments.
During these vulnerable times, it can sometimes be impossible to hold space emotionally for a screaming toddler.
It’s okay to take a step back and go into a different room, while your kid gets over their tantrum on their own. Pray that you’ve taught them enough self-soothing techniques that they don’t always need you around to do so anymore.
Just try not to give into their demands when they do throw a fit.
That will only just reinforce the behaviour, teaching them that in order to get attention or to have their way, they have to scream to get it.
So, What’s the Alternative?
This article isn’t meant to bash gentle parenting, not after it’s helped countless parents to raise their children better.
It is merely to shed light on the harsh realities of the method.
After all, as most of us may know, everything has its pros and cons.
Gentle parenting is truly a privilege that not many people have.
You would need the flexibility, patience and the emotional bandwidth to deal with your child’s meltdowns.
If you’re one of the many newbie gentle parents out there who may feel like they have failed at being a parent, hold up.
It’s hard enough holding down a job, taking care of a house, maintaining a marriage and raising a child.
The fact that you have even attempted to gentle parent your child is already a triumph.
And let’s be honest, losing a battle does not mean losing the war. Celebrate the moments when you have gentle-parented your child successfully.
So, if gentle parenting isn’t for everyone, what’s the alternative for those parents who have tried the method and failed (or decided it wasn’t for them)?
Let me introduce you to Realistic Parenting which involves… trying your best.
Because at the end of the day, as parents, that’s the only thing we can do.
Hang in there, parents, you’re doing great!
Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for informational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice from Motherhood. For any health-related concerns, it is advisable to consult with a qualified healthcare professional or medical practitioner.
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