Before I became a mother, I told myself, “One day, when I have my own kids, I will be the most chillax mum in the world. I will always get down on my knees to reason with my kids (as seen on ‘good parenting methods’), I will remain calm whenever my children do something wrong, and I will never raise my voice to them.”
Well, fast forward to today, let me just say that that is no longer the case. Nope, not when one child has learned to roll their eyes at you, another who can simply ignore you and act as if you don’t exist, and another who can go, “Mama, Mama” every 20 seconds! That agony, combined with my exhaustion, stress, and a sick self, is a bad mix.
In less than five minutes (10 if they’re lucky), I’d be screaming on top of my lungs for my kids to just cooperate and listen to what I wanted them to do. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when I say my kids get on my last nerve, I mean it. As a result, my mother’s rage can be uncontrollable at times! Sorry, kiddos 🙁
So, What Exactly is Mum Rage?
I’m sure every mother has gone through this at least once in her life. Mum rage, also known as maternal rage, is the intense anger that a mother feels when motherhood irritates her, such as when her children backtalk rudely, refuse to listen, and so on.
Mums don’t always mean to do it; for example, I will try to be cool at first, but when I am overwhelmed with so many things and my children’s behaviour is not helping, I can just suddenly burst. Hence the name rage. Fortunately, mum rage is simply a conflicted situation that we can try to learn to control.
It’s not that you’re constantly short-tempered or have an anger management problem; that requires additional professional support. However, you should be aware that mother rage is harmful to both the mother and the children. The guilt and anxiety that accompany it can sever your bond with your children.
That’s why, even when I’m at my wits’ end, I’ll try to figure out what it is that really made me angry and what I can do instead.
My Anger Triggers and How I Try to Manage Them
Scenarios that can really set off my “anger switch” are when my kids:
- Fight and argue: This is not a ‘fun and joking’ fight, but rather one in which my kids are screaming at each other, throwing objects, and so on. They don’t do it very often because they know how monstrous I may turn when this happens. I hate that side of me, too! :S
- Delay bedtime: This happens almost every night. They’ve always found a reason not to go to bed. Be it that they’re suddenly hungry, thirsty, forgot to put something in the bag, or any number of other reasons that would last until I finally had enough.
- Leave toys and trash all over the place: I’m irritated because it’s good manners that I’ve taught them since they were little. They know they should pick up their toys and put the trash in the bin, but sometimes they just won’t even after me telling them over and over again.
- Running late for school run: Okay, I have to admit that I am occasionally guilty of being late. But even after I’ve gotten them up as early as possible, they still take their own sweet time in getting ready. Imagine, 25 minutes have passed and they are still in the shower. Okay, I have to admit, sometimes I am guilty too for this lateness. I can feel my face turning bright red.
- Making too much noise in the car: Especially when I’m driving because I can’t focus on the road. I’ll remind them to keep the noise to a minimum or to try to be silent for a while. But after more than ten reminders, I lose my cool.
Those are the major issues with which I struggled and would rage even when I tried hard not to. I discovered some solutions along the way that are quite useful at times and can even help to calm myself. Here are some strategies I’ve used to manage my ‘mum rage’:
- Instead of screaming, I whisper. As strange as that sounds, it does help to keep my kids from shuddering from my yelling and from giving me a sore throat.
- Sometimes saying nothing at all is enough. But it’s best if I walk away as well, so I’m not tempted to rage.
- I always use a countdown warning to give myself and them enough time. Since three is too short, I begin at ten and work my way down to zero.
- If I’m too tired to think and really can’t handle it, getting support from a spouse or family member can be extremely beneficial.
What Do the Experts Say About Mum Rage?
It’s also useful to know what experts have to say about mum rage, so I’ll share my findings with you. According to PsychCentral, there could be more than one factor that contributes to the rage feeling, and they include:
- Anxiety and overwhelm
- Lack of support
- Gender inequalities
- Grief
- Stress
- Financial strain
- Hormonal fluctuations
- Burnout or lack of ‘me time’
- Sleep deprivation
They also discuss some treatment options for mum rage, which frequently include a combination of:
- Therapy, such as psychotherapy, assists in recognising anger and rage, anticipating triggers, and learning skills to cope with or redirect intense feelings.
- Address self-care basics such as getting enough sleep, eating nutritious foods, exercising, and making time for enjoyable activities.
- Take steps to practise sleep hygiene habits and avoid sleep deprivation.
- Set boundaries and ask for help and support so others understand how you feel and what you need to avoid feeling angry.
- Medication is only used if “mum rage” is a medical condition that has been diagnosed and prescribed by a doctor.
What If Nothing Works?
It’s perfectly fine. After all, just because something doesn’t work the first time doesn’t mean it won’t work again. Take some time before attempting to deal with the mum rage. First and foremost, we mums must learn to maintain a calm demeanour when dealing with our kids. Seriously, no matter what ages your children are, they will give you headaches at times, but they are also the ones who make you a mother and provide you with all those wonderful mother-child bonding memories. Regardless of the rage, don’t forget to give them tight hugs and ‘I love you’ phrases and notes all the time to keep that bond special. You’ve got this, mummies!
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