The gender pay gap has always been a bit of a touchy subject. We have been led to believe that women earn significantly less than men. And various factors have gotten been blamed for this reality.
From the proverbial ‘glass ceiling‘, to the ‘motherhood penalty‘, and even to patriarchy—women have been getting the short end of the stick when it comes to wages for decades.
But it gets a bit tricky where relationships are concerned. Especially when the reverse is true. What happens when it’s the wives who make more than the husbands?
Female Breadwinners and the Male Ego
Men have traditionally been seen as the breadwinner, and women are often reduced to the role of the ‘housewife’. This cliché has been ingrained in mainstream society since the dawn of time. Literally.
Anthropologists have always concluded that in prehistoric hunter-gatherer societies (i.e. our ancestors), women stayed to look after the children while men went off to hunt.
But this view has recently been challenged according to recent archaeological finds.
Prehistoric women apparently played as much a role in acquiring resources for their families and communities as the men. A role that goes beyond foraging or farming, with some even having participated in big-game hunting.
This shows that women, at least some, have filled ‘breadwinner’ roles for as long as humanity has roamed the earth. The shades of which we are slowly seeing in today’s modern world.
While many women still struggle with the wage gap, there have been a growing number of relationships where the main breadwinner is the female partner.
As we slowly approach a more tolerant society full of stay-at-home dads and working mums, the question that begs asking is: how do men feel about their partners earning more than them?
What Men Really Think About Earning Less Than Their Other Halves
To answer this question, we turned to Reddit, where we probed the minds of Malaysian men to see what they really think about having a wife or girlfriend that earns more than them.
While there can never be a true consensus on such a contentious issue, here are just some of the answers we got.
The More, the Merrier
Apparently, some husbands don’t mind if their wife brings home some extra bacon. One Reddit user said:
“The fact that my wife is earning more than me is great! It means more food on the table for the family and more money for her to buy and do whatever she likes, as long as it’s not coming off my pay check.”
As inflations come and go and the cost of living grows, a two-income household is often the bare minimum.
So, having a wife that earns more could lessen the burden. Especially if she’s used to a certain level of sophistication and indulgence.
The user said that his wife doesn’t come to him when she needs to go and do “girl stuff”. You know, mani-pedis, spas, salons, shopping, etc.
It’s a Work in Progress
Some husbands are okay with it, although they do feel guilty from time to time from their wives having to pay for meals. One Reddit user said:
“My wife earns almost twice my salary but we’ve never fought about it. But I do feel a bit guilty when she wants to eat somewhere expensive and I can’t afford it. She’s always happy to treat me, but it doesn’t lessen the blow to my self-esteem. I’m currently working extra hard now to earn more money, but it’s a work in progress.”
He goes on to say that it does affect his self-esteem knowing his wife takes care of most of their bills. Not necessarily because of gender stereotypes, but in terms of equality—as if he’s not contributing enough to the family.
But if the situation calls for it, he’d be more than happy to stay at home and take care of the kids. However, money isn’t the only contribution a man can make to his spouse and family.
He can add more value by being a great homemaker, a loving father and a supportive husband. Marital responsibilities don’t always have to be monetary; it can be emotional and domestic as well.
There’s a Certain Stigma to It
One Reddit user commented:
“Why is it a problem? It’s only an issue if you tell people about. So, keep the wage thing a secret, especially from your family members. They’re usually the kepoh ones. Malaysian society in general is still pretty backward about this sort of stuff. As long as you and your partner are happy, then nothing else matters.”
This comment reflects this sort of societal expectation and gender norm that the previous generations tend to perpetuate—men go off to work and women stay home with the kids.
But we see now that more men are comfortable earning less or being a stay-at-home parent. A couple could be in absolute bliss with the role reversal as long as some unhappy relative doesn’t force a wedge between them.
It’s important not to let serpents into our Eden, because more of than not, they take the face of the people we trust the most.
It Can Make or Break a Relationship
Some of the responses we got were more practical, taking into account that it’s up to the couple to work through any issues that they may have. One Reddit user said:
“I know a couple where the wife got a big job that paid three times the husband’s salary. But she’d always come home in a bad mood; picking fights, etc. The marriage didn’t last long after that. My point is, high-paying careers don’t come without consequences. It’s usually not the money that ends up ending relationships, it’s the job.”
This user names a great point. Sometimes it’s not the male ego that ends relationships, but toxic work culture.
We’re currently still not over the whole hustle/grind mentality where people are expected to hold down a nine-to-five, a side business, investments and also somehow generate passive income. This can put a strain on any marriage.
Men may not mind earning less in the relationship, but perhaps more money doesn’t necessarily mean more happiness. The same is true even with traditional gender roles.
Embrace the Role Reversal
There’s a kernel of truth in all the responses above. Husbands and boyfriends should not be insecure about earning less than their wives and girlfriends. Similarly, women should be understanding of their partner’s financial situation.
But it always gets a bit complicated when gender roles are reversed. The truth is the male ego is fragile. and anything that threatens our masculine identity (like being the family breadwinner), can cause feelings of shame, insecurity, resentment and even sadness.
However, at the end of the day, it has a lot to do with conditioning. For example, it may be a lot more acceptable for a wife to ask her husband for money, than it is the other way around.
In this case, the male ego is not some genetic predisposition, but the product of cultural brainwashing. Income has long been tied to status, power and masculinity. And perhaps it’s time we dismantle this archaic belief.
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