While dealing with my two-year-old’s sudden meltdown over not getting the blue marker first because his older brother got to it quicker, I had one of those parenting moments.
You know, the kind where you pause mid-chaos and start questioning your entire approach.
In my effort to stay calm and help him name his feelings, I started spiralling.
Why is he this upset over a marker?
Is this emotional dysregulation?
Should we sit and unpack this?
Did I forget to fill his cup yesterday?
Before I could reach a conclusion, he’d already moved on, casually building a pillow fort while I was still lost in a sea of over-analysis.
And it hit me: are we, in all our well-meaning efforts to raise emotionally intelligent kids, forgetting to help them build emotional resilience?
I hate to admit being affected by how social media has certainly set the bar high, but I am.
My feed is full of parenting reels featuring gentle, validating conversations, step-by-step scripts for sibling disputes, and endless reminders to never dismiss a child’s feelings.
And don’t get me wrong – I love this parenting era. It’s full of support, shared wisdom, and real conversations.
But honestly, where’s the reel that says, ‘Sometimes, your kid’s just having a day. It’s not always that deep. You don’t need to host a TED Talk.’
Emotional Immunity Isn’t About Tough Love
Let’s get one thing straight: Emotional immunity doesn’t mean telling your kids to ‘man up’ or ‘stop crying.’
It’s not about brushing things under the rug.
It’s about helping them build the ability to feel their feelings and bounce back. To be able to say, ‘That was hard,’ and still carry on.
Without this resilience, every minor challenge starts to feel like a crisis.
A lost pencil becomes a tragedy.
A bad test result? Catastrophic.
And in the long run, this can lead to anxiety, low self-worth, and an inability to cope with the messy reality of life.
It’s a Balance: Empathy and Resilience
We want our kids to be kind and emotionally aware.
But we also want them to understand that life won’t always make sense and that’s okay.
Sometimes you don’t win – in fact for the first few times, its rarely that you do.
Sometimes people are unkind.
Sometimes you try really hard, and things still don’t work out.
And while it’s our instinct to protect, explain, and comfort, there’s also power in teaching children that they can survive these moments, even grow from them.
Not everything needs to be unpacked like a suitcase after a long holiday.
Sometimes, you just move on.
Modelling It As Parents (Even When We’re Tired)
Kids are emotional sponges. And when we say they watch everything, we mean everything.
Not just the big things like arguments or praise, but the tiny stuff too.
The sigh you let out when your food delivery order gets cancelled and you are starving. The quiet muttering in traffic. That tight smile you wear when plans fall apart. They’re clocking it all.
Now, here’s the tricky bit – we want to be honest, to show our children that it’s okay to feel upset, disappointed, or thrown off.
But we also don’t want to model knee-jerk reactions, emotional outbursts, or the habit of bottling everything up and pretending to be ‘fine’ when we’re clearly not.
So, in a nutshell, it’s not about hiding your emotions or being perfect.
It’s about showing your children what healthy coping looks like.
That emotions are not something to fear or ignore, but also not something that get to steer the wheel every time life veers off course.
So, mummies and daddies, when the day doesn’t go your way, try this:
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Say out loud, ‘That didn’t go as planned – I’m a bit frustrated, but I’ll work through it.’
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Let them see you pause before reacting. That moment of breath before a decision? That’s gold.
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Admit when you’re having a tough time, but also let them see how you come back from it, whether it’s by talking it through, taking a break, or doing something that helps you reset.
Even better, involve them in small ways: ‘You know what? I’m feeling a bit off. Let’s go for a walk together to clear our heads.’
That’s emotional leadership without curated emotional perfection.
How Schools Can Support Emotional Immunity
This doesn’t just start and end at home. Schools play a huge role too.
Beyond exam results and neat handwriting, we need spaces that celebrate trying, not just winning.
Spaces where mistakes are treated like stepping stones, not shameful blunders.
Teachers can:
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Normalise failure as part of learning.
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Celebrate effort over perfection.
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Create room for emotional reflection during the day, not just when something’s ‘wrong’.
Basically, help children understand that growth takes time and that it’s okay to be a work in progress.
Resilience Through the Ages: What It Looks Like at Different Stages
Toddlers (1 – 3 years): The Training Ground
Toddlers are walking emotions in nappies, and they just need the space to feel. Us parents can help by:
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Letting them feel frustrated (without always fixing it).
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Setting clear limits.
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Using simple language: ‘You’re upset. That’s okay, I’m here.’
It’s not about them getting over it.
It’s about knowing everything is okay even when things don’t go their way.
Young Children (4 – 7 years): Small Challenges, Big Lessons
This age is perfect for introducing the idea that not everything will go their way, and that’s normal.
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Play games where they don’t always win (and don’t let them win every time!).
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Let them figure things out before stepping in.
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Share stories of characters who made mistakes and kept going.
Older Children (8 – 12 years): Responsibility and Reflection
At this age, they’re old enough to connect dots and build perspective.
This is the age to lean into growth mindset talk:
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Let them handle small consequences (missed homework = less screen time)
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Ask reflective questions: ‘What could you do differently next time?’
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Encourage trying again, even after failure.
It may seem like they’re not listening, but they might just surprise you!
Teenagers (13 – 18 years): Real Talk, Real Trust
Teens want independence, but they also need your steady presence.
They’re navigating pressure, comparison, and identity, often all in one day:
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Talk about your own failures (and what you learnt).
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Let them make decisions and support the outcomes.
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Help them reframe the idea of setbacks as detours, not dead ends.
Teenagers can be confusing but eventually all they need to know is that messing up doesn’t mean giving up.
Strong Minds, Strong Hearts
A child who learns how to regulate emotions, tolerate stress, and recover from failure becomes an adult who can handle real life – the messy, unpredictable, wonderful real life.
Emotional immunity doesn’t mean they won’t feel pain.
It means they’ll know they can survive it.
And isn’t that the kind of strength we all wish we had learned earlier?
Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for informational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice from Motherhood. For any health-related concerns, it is advisable to consult with a qualified healthcare professional or medical practitioner.
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