From birth, warm, gentle and responsive interaction helps children feel safe and secure in their worlds. It also builds and strengthens the bondings between children and their parents.
To grow and develop skills, children need safety, security and strong relationships. Thus, communicating effectively with children is essential to their holistic environment.
In today’s episode, helping parents determine the best approaches to interact with children, we have a special guest and Psychologist from Pantai Hospital Kuala Lumpur, Ms Katyana Azman.
I’m sure parents have a lot of unanswered questions about this topic. Let’s get to the questions, shall we?
#Q1: What is good communication and how do we know if the way that we interact with our child or baby is a good one?
Ms Katyana Azman: Ultimately, always remember that when you are trying to communicate with your child, especially when they’re very little, you are introducing them to what healthy communication styles are all about.
So if you are sort of imposing on your child communication styles that are not exactly healthy or appropriate, such as:
- Raising your voice
- Using physical force
- Using aggression
- Giving silent treatment
These are going to be things that they learn and they take on board. So, it’s very important to remember that as long as you are communicating with your child, in a way that they can then replicate in adulthood, that’s pretty much good communication.
So, the interaction need not necessarily be something that is 100% full of cuddles. Because I do speak to some dads who are not a cuddly type, but they wonder if it is necessary to be one. So,
There’s no standard format
As long as, you’ve said earlier, it’s something that is driven by
- Love
- Care
- Affection
And it’s also something that we take into consideration, they are going to be replicating in adulthood. So, make sure that whatever you are introducing them to is stuff that you’re pretty happy for them to keep doing as adults.
But if you’re doing things that you think,
“Oh, I wouldn’t like my child to be this aggressive or to talk back to me this way”
Probably don’t even start doing it with them.
#Q2: How do we develop good communication with our children?
Ms Katyana Azman: Again, going back to leading by example. So, if you want your child to be a good communicator, someone who uses their words rather than just crying and throwing things and things like that, you need to set the tone.
The other thing is also validating what your child says because remember, if your child is at 3 or 4 years old comes to you with a problem or comes to you with something they are unhappy about, chances are we are not going to think it’s a big deal, chances are we are going to be like “That is not that major”.
But whenever we shut it down and we tell them “Oh, it’s nothing, just get over it” or “Mummy is so much more stressed than you”.
When you kind of portrays that, you’re telling your child that their feelings don’t matter. You’re invalidating their experience.
So, regardless of how trivial it is like their favourite Lego broke, it’s something that you have to validate. So, these are the main things that I tell parents to remember.
And also, to factor in the fact that depending on how old your child is, they’re not going to have the speech and language capabilities to tell you everything about their life.
They’re not going to be able to go, “Mum, this is why I’m stressed, this is what happened” they can’t do that.
They communicate in different ways.
Ms Katyana Azman: Children communicate in different ways! So, that’s something you have to factor in as well. You might need to use creative tactics like art and drawing and crafts and play to try to get your child to talk about their emotions.
So, don’t feel deterred that your child is not using their words, especially in the early years of their life.
So, just making sure that you set the tone that they can come to you whenever they need to, that communication is back and forth, that we will share with them as well; it’s a pretty good formula, in my opinion.
Basically reassuring them that it’s a safe space between you and them, right?
Ms Katyana Azman: Yes, 100% yes!
#Q3: “Active and effective communications should come with effective listening.” Could you explain this?
Ms Katyana Azman: This is my favourite quote,
“A lot of the time, people listen to answer, they don’t listen to understand”.
That’s kind of what I think about when I think about active listening.
A lot of people are usually focused, and in their heads, they are trying to think about how do I reply to this situation, without taking the time to actually listen to what is being communicated.
When you have a child who doesn’t have the words, the grammar or the vocabulary to be able to articulate things in that way, when they’re telling you things like “I’m hurt”, focus on what they’re saying rather than trying to justify why they shouldn’t be hurt in your head.
So, these are the types of things that are super important when you’re working with children.
Just listen. This applies to everyone, really.
Ms Katyana Azman: Regardless of whether you’re dealing with a child or an adult. Often times, it is
- Listen to what they are saying
- Respond based on what they are saying
- Do not focus on other train of thoughts
So, let’s say, if a child comes to you and say, “Mummy, mummy, I’m hurt”, but actually nothing’s happening, maybe it’s sort of like a subtle sign that something has happened, maybe they could be anxious or it could be some sort of other reason but they are just portraying it in a different way, is that correct?
Ms Katyana Azman: So, an example of active listening, if we are looking at the hurt example, would be if the child ran up to you and said,
“Mummy, mummy, I’m hurt”, Parents who aren’t practising active listening would either try to be “Oh you look okay, everything is fine” because you’re thinking about the response or “Sweety, mummy is really busy right now, so I’ll talk to you later”.
You’re not focussing on the content which is that they’re hurt. So, appropriate responses should be like, “Oh dear, okay, why?”. So, get them to talk to you and explain why. And without trying to interpret based on what is in the environment or what is going on.
So, asking why is a really good question most of the time;
- Ask why
- Avoid jumping to conclusions
- Understand the situation
- Address the situation
#Q4: What are some positive phrases parents can express to children?
Ms Katyana Azman: I think that praise is something that we don’t do enough with our kids, I think because that comes back again to the generation of programming that if you praise your child, they are going to get a big head.
But, praise is actually really important because it teaches our children how;
- To acknowledge their strengths
- When they are on the right path and otherwise
And I would love focussing on things that are not —I know we’ve probably heard of these things like,
“Clever girl”, “Clever boy”, “Smart girl”, “Smart boy”
I would much prefer if we focus on, especially when they’re older. When they’re little, I’m completely fine with that. But when they are at toddler ages, when they can understand, focussing on things like effort, so it will be like:
“You’re really good for sharing today”, “That was really kind what you did”, “Look how hard you worked, that’s amazing”
Focussing on the effort rather than on the concept of
- Smart
- Clever
- Pretty
Sort of going more into detail than just being general, like, focussing on those subtle things “Good, clever girl”
Yes, kind of telling them that effort is equally as rewarding as the outcome, in a way. So, those are the types of things that I think is really important as well as to praise and acknowledge, which is the second thing.
Acknowledging your child’s emotions and your child’s comments are really important.
It’s not going to cost you anything to just parrot what they say. Not in a condescending way but just like, “Oh, okay. You’re upset because you lost at the game, huh”, “You’re sad because your friend doesn’t want to play with you”.
You’re repeating what they’re saying, so that they can kind of go, “Oh okay, I’m sad because of this”, you’re teaching them how to be constructive in the phase of being upset. You’re teaching them to acknowledge their emotions.
So, those are the things that I think that we need to do more of, instead of something that I see a lot of people do, which is they kind of sweep it under the carpet.
They kind of go, “Oh, you shouldn’t feel this. It’s fine”. “There are other kids who got worse things than you” “Look at how many toys you have, you should be grateful”
These are the types of things that we are kind of pushing on our kids sometimes when they get upset. But, they’ve only been on Earth for X number of years. They don’t have the life experience that we do. Fingers crossed we do it the right way, they will, one day.
But, for now, it’s important for them to learn in their environment and also validating and acknowledging what they feel. So, I think that just being able to do that, practice active listening and validating what your child feels and acting on it, I think this is a really good place to start.
And what about in terms of body language?
Ms Katyana Azman: So, when it comes to – that’s how I feel – I read most of my clients’ body language more than I listen to what they say, especially when they are little.
Your child’s body language will teach you so much. So, if your child is starting to look uncomfortable, such as
- Diverts their eye contact
- Turns their body away from you
- Plays with their hands
- Goes on their phones
Those are all indicators that they are uncomfortable with what you’re talking about. Or it’s something that they’re not yet ready to speak about.
So, if you’re seeing these things which you might do if you’re uncomfortable, take that as an indication that you’ve hit a bit of the sore spot, and you have to either table it and come back to it or try a different approach.
Don’t stick to it if you feel your child isn’t very comfortable. And also if your child is acting up, throwing a lot of temper tantrums, for example, it’s an indication that they’re struggling.
So, you need not use words because like I said, they might not have them yet. Look at their;
- behaviours
- body language
- what’s happening around them
And that would usually give you a good place to focus your efforts.
So, basically, in general, it’s important to really listen to your child. It’s important to look for subtle signs and I think it takes a lot of patience; be patient with your child and key communication, am I right?
Ms Katyana Azman: Yes, 100%. All of those things.
So to all Mum’s out there who are struggling to communicate with their toddlers, we hoped that these tips from Ms Katyana will help you understand your kids better from now on!
Listen well, and listen to understand. This is the last episode of AskMeDoctor Season 3. Till next time!
Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for informational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice from Motherhood. For any health-related concerns, it is advisable to consult with a qualified healthcare professional or medical practitioner.
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