Growing up, you may not have known a day without your parents yelling at you.
Even when you’re not doing anything wrong. That’s simply what Asian parenting looks like most of the time. But we know better now.
Yelling at your kids can be destructive, not just to their pride, but to their mental health.
Decades of research have found that children respond just as well, if not better, when less aggressive methods are used to discipline them.
And learning to communicate to your child in a calm and positive way will yield far better results than shouting.
Here are 6 ways to raise well-behaved children without raising your voice.
6 Ways to Practice Quiet Parenting
Refresh their Memory
Sometimes kids forget to behave themselves, even though you’ve told them the rules.
This can be understandable in an outdoor setting especially if they’re surrounded by people or other kids.
Kids may also think that rules at home don’t apply to rules when you’re at someone else’s home.
So before going out to events, public places or even just for a family outing, remind them of the rules. But don’t make menacing or cruel threats.
Just remind them calmly that they need to behave or they may experience certain consequences. This of course depends on your house rules.
Some parents will take away privileges like screentime, others will use corporal punishment, which we would have to advise against.
Leave the Room
If something your kids do trigger the hell out of you, then go somewhere to unwind. This stops you from shouting at your kids, or saying something you will regret later.
However, this may not be possible if it’s in a public setting. A few calming breaths may help before you make your next move.
The gist of the advice is simply to find your center and resist the urge to lash out. But don’t take too long to wind down or it may start to become a habit.
You don’t want to keep disappearing every time your kids start acting up. In conjunction with breathing, you may also find daily meditation exercises to be of great benefit.
You may be less triggered by your kids’ misbehaviour and actually think before you yell.
Sit them Down
Now that you’ve calmed down, take them to a nice quiet area away from everyone who may be nearby.
This is when you enlighten them about their behaviour. Quarantining your child during one of their episodes allows you to calmly address the error of their ways without humiliating them in front of other people.
Ask them why they’re behaving the way that they are. But also don’t make it entirely their fault; be empathetic.
If your child is misbehaving there’s always a reason, even if it may sound silly or trivial to you.
Once you understand why they did what they did perhaps both of you can come up with a compromise.
It doesn’t always have to end with a negative consequence.
Explain in Detail
Kids don’t often understand what they did wrong.
If your kid is jumping on the couch, they’re probably doing it because they thing it’s fun. Not necessarily because they want to annoy or spite you.
But still, it’s a terrible habit to allow so you may feel the urge to scream at them to stop.
But following the previous tips of finding your center, sitting your kids down and talking to them, you now have to explain to them why what they did is not okay.
Using the couch example for instance you can say something like “I don’t want you to jump on the couch because you might fall and get hurt”.
Make it less about you and more about them. Kids for instance may not appreciate how expensive or fragile your couch is.
So giving them reasons that will negatively jeopardise their wellbeing and happiness will usually have more of an effect.
Use your Stern Voice
There are ways to make a child listen to you without screaming or yelling.
Your voice for instance can be manipulated to take on a more serious, no-nonsense tone. Most parents of course already have a stern voice that they use in public.
Because let’s face it, it’s pretty embarrassing for a parent to yell at their kids when they’re in a crowd.
So when they’re kids are acting out at a mall, or a playground you’ll distinctly hear a mum growl a warning under her breath.
A tone her kids will immediately recognise as something to be taken seriously.
But most of the time, parents will forget to use their indoor voice indoors because there are no other adults or parents around to judge them. But remember, your neighbours can still hear you.
So think about that the next time you yell at your kids. Opt for a lower, more intimidating voice instead of a hysterical, screechy one.
Maybe It’s You
Sometimes it’s important to differentiate between your kids’ misbehaviour and your own overreaction.
Something Asian parents are notoriously known for. Your kids may have committed an entirely honest mistake and you may have yelled for absolutely no reason.
A good example is look back at your own childhood. At all those moments when your parents yelled at you seemingly over nothing.
Remember how unreasonable they were.
Remember their red, angry faces and ask yourself if that’s what you really how you want your kids to remember you.
If you know that you’ve overreacted, go to your kids and apologise.
Turning the Volume Down
It’s so important for parents to not overreact when they’re kids do something strange, annoying or dangerous.
Yelling at your kids can cause them to develop anxiety, and it also puts a strain on your relationship.
Kids who are scared of their parents may end up not forming lasting bonds with them as adults. It’s the same thing with parents who are too strict, or parents who hit or spank their kids.
However, there are very few instances where yelling may be unavoidable and even be necessary.
Such as when your kids are trying to cross a busy road on their own, or when they’re dangerously close to touching a hot oven.
In these cases, it’s definitely okay to yell, if anything to catch their attention.
You should definitely not continue yelling at your kids when explaining to them why you shouted.
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