Many reasons contribute to divorce and single parenthood. According to a NST report, almost 80,000 marriages ended in divorce between March 2020 and August 2021 alone. The same statistics also reveal that there exist some 235,240 single moms in this country.
Why do couples divorce?
Every single parent has a different story and every couple has a different reason as to why they decide it is best to go their separate ways. Some of these reasons may not be the most obvious or the most dramatic but they are common nonetheless, and compelling enough to render a marriage unsustainable in the long run.
Eunice Tan (aged 31) is one out of the hundreds of thousands of single mums in the country today. Divorced since 2017, she has a 10-year-old son whom she raises on a 50-50 custodial basis. This is her story.
“Love yourself. Do what you can, don’t force yourself to do what you can’t. Don’t bother about what people say about you, your own emotions, moods and thoughts are the most important because they control your mind and your day.”
~ Eunice Tan ~
Q1: Your son was only 5 years old when the divorce happened. How are you both coping so far?
Eunice: I’m the one who decided on divorce. Therefore, I was ready to face all the problems and obstacles. Actually, I’m from a single family myself. My parents divorced when I was 12. So, I am used to this kind of situation and I feel it is not that serious.
I am coping well because I know I have the ability to take care of myself and my son. It might sound selfish on my part but I don’t think I should continue living my life being relied upon by a man who won’t give me any stability in life.
I always tell myself to be strong enough to protect myself and my son and this is how I am adapting to the situation.
Q2: What led you both to the breakup? Are you still in touch with each other?
Eunice: It is mainly because our thoughts, interests and directions have taken different paths. We have been together for almost 10 years. Throughout this time, he didn’t change or grow much and the marriage was mostly one-sided. I am always the one worried about everything and getting things in order while he just relies on me to do everything.
Furthermore, we came to a point where our conversations were only about our son. There was nothing else to talk about because we no longer had anything else in common. We just grew apart.
Q3: Does your ex-husband have any part in the upbringing of his son? How do you feel about your current custody arrangement?
Eunice: I have half custody. He has done what he should do as a father. I feel good about our current arrangement as my son can choose where he wants to go. Every weekend my son will come over to my house to stay.
Q4: What did you say to your son at the time of the divorce and did he understand why both of you were no longer staying together like before?
Eunice: I told my son that daddy and I cannot stay together anymore. At that time, my son did not understand as he was just 5 years old. My son only knew that daddy and mummy won’t be staying together anymore. I think he did feel lonely.
Q5: How did your family, relatives and friends react to the news? Were they supportive?
Eunice: The most important thing was my mum’s feelings. I remember when I told my mum I wanted to divorce, she asked me, “Why? Are you serious?” I said yes because I don’t want to continue my life like this anymore. My mum told me to do what I thought was right and if I can feel better with this decision, then just go ahead. My brother and sister also fully supported my decision.
“The most important lesson I have learnt is to forgive and let go. Don’t dwell on the hurt. When the thoughts are right, everything will turn out right.”
~ Eunice Tan ~
Q6: What was the most difficult or most stressful part of the divorce that you had to deal with?
Eunice: My ex-husband used my son to threaten me. He didn’t allow me to see my son. He also procrastinated signing the divorce papers.
Q7: Was it difficult being a single mum in the early days? What was the most difficult part?
Eunice: Yes, it was difficult in the beginning as I needed to arrange my time for my son. As for my son’s school activities, I would attend them all alone and all the other parents would be staring at me and my son.
Q8: Now that he is 10, and will soon become an adolescent, what are you most concerned about?
Eunice: Adolescence will bring on changes and he will want more independence. I do worry about my son playing truant at school and I worry about the kinds of friends he might have. They grow up so fast.
Q9: But he still has a father to guide him, especially about discipline and studies. Do you discuss this with your ex-husband?
Eunice: Yes. Both of us try our very best to guide our son. But nowadays, kids are different from last time.
Q10: Are you financially alright? Does he provide alimony?
Eunice: I am a career woman, I am focused on my job, so at the moment I am financially able to support myself and my child. The ex-husband didn’t pay any alimony.
Q11: Did single motherhood bring you closer to your son? What’s your relationship like?
Eunice: Being a single mum doesn’t bring me closer to my son because I need to work and we are not staying in the same house all the time. My relationship with my son is like friends. I learned to stand in his shoes to think, and also about his ideas and problems.
My son and I always share everything in our lives. I would play roller skating, badminton, and games with him and we go out to eat together. My son always tells me that he wants to be a champion, just like Lee Chong Wei, to be World Number One.
Q12: Now that he is growing up, do you see changes? What about his schooling?
Eunice: Our relationship might be changing but I trust that he will understand and love me always. For sure, he will need his own time but as of now, I know he would like to spend more time with me.
At the moment, he is mostly staying with his father so no one is really taking care of his studies and homework. This is a big headache for me. But soon I will be bringing him back to stay with me.
Q13: What are the lessons you have learnt about life so far?
Eunice: I have gone through many lessons in my life but the one most important thing I have learnt is to forgive and let go. Don’t dwell on the hurt. Stay positive always and I always remember to love myself.
When the thoughts are right, everything will turn out right. Nothing can be forever but family is the most important to me.
Q14: What tips or advice would you say to other single mums handling the same situation?
Eunice: Love yourself. Do what you can, don’t force yourself to do what you can’t. When you have done your best, you will become the best of yourself. Don’t bother about what people say about you. Your own emotions, moods and thoughts are the most important because they control your mind and your day.
Lastly, I am very proud of every single mother who is making it on her own. We can have a good future, we can find someone who truly cares and loves us, our destiny is in our own hands, so keep that chin up! Don’t give up! Fighting!
*All images courtesy of Eunice Tan
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