Parents are the foundation of a family unit. They are responsible for protecting, nurturing and accepting their children. But sometimes, due to unforeseeable circumstances, the parental figures in a child’s life may be absent. Death, imprisonment, abandonment, neglect, divorce. These are just some of the reasons why the children end up taking care of each other. When parents are not there, a sibling, usually the eldest will take on the role of the sibling parent, sibling guardian or “sister guardian”. An unofficial role that they assume in order to protect the younger members of the family.
This is called parentification, where a sibling will become the parental figure in their sibling(s)’ lives. While parentification is more of a personal choice, there are cases where parentification can be a literal (and legally binding) transformation. But more on that later. In the meantime, here are just some of the realities of being sister guardians that you may not know about.
The Parentification of Children
Even with caring and attentive parents, the eldest child will usually end up having to end up playing the parent. They are expected to grow up a little faster when the second child enters the picture. So, in some cases, due to parental expectations, the eldest will undergo parentification regardless. They will have to babysit their younger siblings when their parents are not around. Feed them, clothe them and keep them out of trouble. With rising cost of living, both parents will usually end up working to make ends meet. So, a parentified child will also be responsible for things like meals, homework and bedtimes.
There are of course exceptions to this rule. Elder siblings don’t always take on parental roles. But if the parents are absent, missing or dead after the eldest sibling is an adult, then they will go through a late parentification. Sometimes it may not even be their younger siblings that they have to take care of, but their sibling’s children. This can be especially hard for someone to take on, especially if they enjoy a childless life or if they have other responsibilities to think about. In which case, in order to prevent their siblings from going to an orphanage or foster home, the adult sibling will usually have to apply for legal custody of the minors.
Sister Guardians and their Sacrifices
As a parentified child grows, they will end up foregoing many of the experiences that a child will normally want to experience. They may not be able to have as many playdates, sleepovers or after school activities as their peers. This can of course carry on well into adolescence which signals the peak moment in an individual’s life where they will begin experimenting new things and pushing boundaries. A parentified child may not get these opportunities if they’re always making sure that their younger siblings are following the rules, doing what they’re told and not misbehaving.
Sometimes these sacrifices don’t merely manifest as sacrifices of time, energy and youth. They can also be sacrifices of health and wellbeing. Parentified children experience an enormous amount of pressure. This can lead to stress, anxiety, and deep feelings of resentment and guilt. If the parentification is severe enough, the eldest sibling will grow up to be a nervous, neurotic, controlling perfectionist. Such is the result of depriving a young child too much of their childhood. It may look innocent to many people, but the psychological, emotional and physical impact of being a parent at such a young age can be devastating.
A parentified child can undergo further trauma if they live in an unhealthy or neglectful home. Their parents could have a mental disorder, suffer from substance abuse, engage in domestic violence, or criminal activity. The scars that the child carries will stay with them long into adulthood.
The Adult Parentified Child
As mentioned, some children undergo parentification only after they’re full-grown adults. Many eldest siblings grow up in completely normal homes and experience a completely normal childhood. That is until something happens to the parents that makes them unable to care for the younger siblings. This is not an uncommon case. Some parents may end up having children decades after their first one. So, while the adult elder sibling may have already graduated college and gotten a job, they may still have younger siblings in primary school or even kindergarten.
The parentified adult child then becomes the guardian of their younger sibling(s), which may oftentimes create chaos and stress. The adult child will have to make significant lifestyle changes in order to accommodate their younger sibling. This includes arranging their transport to and from school, scheduling doctor’s appointments, buying them necessities and even paying for tuition fees. Sometimes the parentification is the result of a death. If so, the parentified child they will have to go through all this whilst also grieving the demise of their parents.
In some cases, adult siblings are required by law to appeal for custody of their younger siblings. This is usually for the good of the family unit and prevents them from being separated. Applying for legal guardianship also grants the eldest siblings the full rights of a traditional parent. However, this also means they have to go through a lot of hoops in order to legally adopt their younger siblings.
Recognising Sister Guardians as Real Parents
Not all parents are caring, present or attentive. Some may not be able to fulfil their duties due to enormous economic pressures. And sometimes it’s due to unforgivable mistakes and unforeseen circumstances. For whatever reason, there are elder siblings who take it upon themselves to assume the parental role. These are the invisible guardians that we don’t think about often enough. Perhaps because our own concept of parenthood is confined to the limits of societal norms.
Parentified children reflect the failure of adults in providing a stable, happy home where a child can be a child. Children shouldn’t be expected to handle the responsibility of parenting or mothering their younger siblings. Not only do they lack the resources to do so, they may also be children themselves. And children lack the emotional and mental capacity to sufficiently care for others and yet many do at the cost of their own mental and physical health.
While you may not necessarily consider a young child to be an official parent, many of them have and do fill in the role of parents. It’s important that we as a society recognise the incredible pressure we put on the eldest sibling. It’s time we tackle the parentification of children, and let kids be kids again. Even if they do show incredible resilience and resourcefulness in taking care of their loved ones.
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