February, they say, is the month of love and all because Valentine’s Day will be celebrated on February 14th.
Not many people know, however, that there’s a connection between Valentine’s Day and birds ─ love birds specifically, thanks to Geoffrey Chaucer ─ a revered English poet and author of the Middle Ages ─ who first linked amour (French for “love”) to St Valentine the martyr. He wrote a 700-line poem titled Parlement of Foules (or the Parliament of Fowls/Birds) in 1382 to commemorate the anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II to Anne of Bohemia.
“All the birds (the whole parliament of fowls) are gathered in the Garden of Love,” he penned in the verses, “for this was on St Valentine’s Day when every bird came there to choose his mate.”
And that was how Valentine’s Day became known as the day for love birds to sing, pair off, and start to nest.
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Expressing Love on Valentine’s Day
Of course, Valentine’s Day is also known as a day to show other shades of love, such as love for one’s parents, children, affection and care for others and friendship.
The overriding sentiment, however, still remains as a day for wingless human “love birds” to express their passion for each other. Hence, declarations of love over romantic candle lit dinners, whispers of sweet nothings into one another’s ears and exchanges of red roses and chocolates and gifts in heart-shaped gift boxes have become the norm for the commercial celebration of the occasion.
Of course, real love goes beyond material expressions. Sure, it always begins with romance. You meet, you fall in love, you get besotted from every angle by love hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, testosterone and estrogen ─ and then when you finally take your head out of the clouds and you are sure you have found the person that completes you, you take the plunge.
And you start a family.
And the cycle of life begins all over again.
Here are two couples that have recently got married and who are well on their way into beginning a new cycle in their journey of love.
[dropcap letter=”H”]amzah Nazari, a 35 year old editor, and Valerie Arnesto, a 29 year old architectural designer got married in the middle of the year last year. They are expecting their first child due in the third quarter of the year. Here is their story:
1. Motherhood: Tell us a little about how you met and what it was that attracted you to each other and made you decide he/she was the one for you for life?
Hamzah: We met in 2013 through a mutual friend but only started dating long distance in 2015 while Val was studying in Melbourne. It was tough and we broke up after two years but we got back together around the end of 2018 when Val came back to Malaysia for good. We were married in June 2019.
Valerie: What attracted me to Hamzah was how he spoke and his accent. His speech can be very proper when he wants to. He’s also got a great sense of humour.
Hamzah: She laughed at my jokes and played video games at the time. Because of that, I was somewhat misled into overestimating that she had a very fun personality.
What kept our relationship going was that at any given time, at least one of us would fight to be together. We also try to understand each other’s point of view even though that can get really, really difficult at times, especially during fights. Also, we complement each other very well because of our different upbringing and personalities.
2. Motherhood: Since the day you got married, how have you had to adjust to “coupledom”?
Hamzah: I think marriage is almost completely within my expectation, other than the added costs and amount of talking which I greatly underestimated. I’m already a homebody, so always going home to my wife at the end of the day feels natural. The only things that really stand out are the cultural differences between Malays and Chinese families in general and our own families in particular. For example, I think my family is much more expressive with each other while hers are a bit more measured. Also my family only reliably gets together on special occasions while hers like to meet regularly. It’s a new experience that I’m enjoying immensely. However, having someone barge in to use the toilet while I shower is still somewhat jarring.
Valerie: To me marriage was just a formality. But ever since I got married I feel emotionally safer. I think it is very important to choose the right roommate and I have a roommate for life now, for better and for worse. I do a lot of house chores now compared to when I was single; double the laundry and sweeping up Hamzah’s hair all the time because even though he is a bald man, he has a very hairy body.
3. Motherhood: What is the single most important characteristic of your partner that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with him/her?
Hamzah: When it actually matters, she listens so our fights usually have conclusions and any issues we might have don’t drag out.
Valerie: His loyalty to everyone in his life makes me not doubt his loyalty to me.
4. Motherhood: What’s your definition of love?
Valerie: Love to me knows no limit and doesn’t fade with time, as it has been proven with our rough journey. The universe brought us back together, or as people would say “ada jodoh” (it’s fated).
Hamzah: Love, as I understand it, is a biological mechanism that drives people to strive for things that would ordinarily exceed their capabilities. For example, tolerating the quirks of someone else long enough to have and raise children with them. And I don’t think it diminishes the value of love at all to think of it in such a way. If anything, I think it makes it all the more real to have a purpose that can be defined.
5. Motherhood: What is the most important element to have for a sustainable marriage?
Hamzah: I think it’s a two-part thing. The first is to understand that it’s not always going to be sunshine, rainbows and butterflies. There are times when it’s going to be extremely tough and how we deal with those times is what makes a marriage work. The second part is having as much fun together as possible at every opportunity. Those moments are why we make it work. In other words, knowing that there will be times when we have to struggle and times when we’ll get to play.
Valerie: As cliche as it sounds, I think trust is the most important element to a sustainable marriage. Without trust, the foundation of your relationship will crumble and it is very important to trust unconditionally to make it work. With that said, forgiveness plays a huge role.
6. Motherhood: We hear you are pregnant. Congratulations! What was your immediate emotional response when you found out and how do you feel now that you realise becoming a mummy/daddy is going to be a huge transformational journey?
Valerie: Thank you! When I knew for sure, I already kind of knew I was pregnant and when I confirmed my pregnancy, I was a mixed bag of emotions. I was affirmed, in disbelief but excited all at the same time. I don’t think it has sunk in that much, that becoming a mom is going to be a huge life changing experience because I haven’t gotten to the point where my belly is the size of a watermelon yet. However I am mentally preparing myself to lose a lot of sleep when the baby gets here, so I am enjoying every minute of sleep I can get right now.
Hamzah: At first there was some happy disbelief because I was sickly when I was younger and I had been internally questioning whether I could even have children. Afterwards, I was a little bit worried of complications that might arise during pregnancy. I’m still a bit worried, but I’m more hopeful now as she’s in her second trimester. As for the prospect of fatherhood, I’ve always wanted to have children and for years now I’ve been gradually preparing myself mentally and emotionally for the responsibility. I do expect there to be some unexpected factors, but overall I believe that thanks to my parents, my upbringing has furnished me with the necessary characteristics to be a competent father.
7. Motherhood: So what do you plan to do on Valentine’s Day?
Valerie: We are going to do the same thing we do almost every day since we found out we were expecting: Order in food and watch Netflix, though perhaps some nicer food than usual, and maybe a romantic movie for once.
All photos courtesy of Hamzah & Valerie
[dropcap letter=”T”]he second respondent is new mom Vivian Wong, 32, who obliged to take time off from her baby to have a chat with Motherhood about love and marriage. Vivian delivered her first-born just six weeks ago.
1. Motherhood: Tell us a little about how you met and what it was that attracted you to each other and made you decide he was the one for you for life?
Vivian: I am currently a freelancer. I used to be marketer in the Fast Moving Consumer Goods sector. I met my husband at the workplace and we knew each other for five years and decided to become life partners during our fifth year when both of us were ready to say “I do”.
2. Motherhood: Since the day you got married, how have you had to adjust to “coupledom”?
Vivian: It’s all about compromise rather than commitment. When you meet the right person, you will adjust naturally.
3. Motherhood: What is the single most important characteristic of your partner that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with him?
Vivian: His determination. I found peace with him.
4. Motherhood: What’s your definition of love?
Vivian: When you are willing to step into marriage and give birth for him, that’s love.
5. Motherhood: What’s your definition of love?
Vivian: Trust and patience.
6. Motherhood: We hear you just had a baby. Congratulations! What was your immediate emotional response when you found out and how do you feel now that you realise becoming a mummy is going to be a huge transformational journey?
Vivian: I was shocked at first but I felt blessed at the same time. The parenthood journey is amazing despite the fact that most of the time it was like 50 SHADES OF DARK CIRCLE! You sleep like sh*t, feel like sh*t, tired of everybody’s sh*t, but love all that sh*t. Also, you will never be prepared for motherhood. I believe things will work out by themselves as long as you have faith.
7. Motherhood: So what do you plan to do on Valentine’s Day?
Vivian: Nothing special. Everyday can be Valentine’s Day as long as you are with the one you love.
All photos courtesy of Vivian
For more stories on love and relationship, visit Motherhood.com.my.