Picture this: your child forgets their homework, again.
You know they’ll get scolded by the teacher. Do you rush it down to school? Call the teacher to explain? Or do you let them deal with the consequences?
If your instinct is to jump in and fix the problem, you might just be a fixer parent (and you’re not alone).
In our achievement-orientated culture, especially in Malaysia, where competition is high and expectations even higher, it’s natural to want the best for your child.
You want them to succeed, be happy, and avoid failure at all costs.
But here’s the catch: by always solving their problems, you might be holding them back from developing essential life skills.
The ‘Fixer Parent’ Trap
The term “fixer parent” refers to moms and dads who step in too quickly to smooth over their child’s difficulties.
Whether it’s a playground disagreement, a late assignment, or a messy friendship.
While not an official type of parenting style, it may be more common among permissive and authoritarian parents.
On the surface, it feels like love. You’re protecting your child, shielding them from pain.
But in reality, over-fixing teaches them that they can’t solve their own problems. That they’re not capable.
Dr Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of Failure, puts it bluntly:
“Every time we rescue, hover, or otherwise save our children from a challenge, we send a very clear message: that we believe they are incompetent, incapable, and unworthy of our trust.”
– Dr. Jessica Lahey
And that’s the heart of it. Every time we swoop in, we deny them a learning opportunity.
When kids don’t get to wrestle with everyday challenges, they miss out on building grit, problem-solving skills, and emotional regulation. These aren’t just fluffy buzzwords; they’re critical life skills.
Children who are constantly “rescued” often grow into teenagers (and later, adults) who are anxious, risk-averse, and dependent on others to make decisions. That’s not the outcome any parent wants.
Why Do We Do It?
Part of the reason is fear. We worry that if our child fails, they’ll be scarred forever. We imagine them falling behind in school, being socially rejected, or losing self-esteem.
Another reason is habit.
In the early years, we have to do everything—feed, dress, and soothe. But as they grow, our job shifts.
We’re supposed to move from managers to mentors. Yet many of us may stay stuck in manager mode.
Malaysian mums, in particular, often juggle high expectations from schools, society, and even extended family. The pressure to raise an “ideal” child can be intense.
So when your child faces a hiccup, your reflex might be to eliminate the stress for both of you.
So, What Can We Do Instead?
It’s normal for parents to have some saviour complex; after all, we’ve gone through the ups and downs of life.
But there are other ways to pass on our wisdom that don’t involve overprotectiveness or coddling.
Start by pausing. The next time your child faces a problem, pause before stepping in.
Be it forgetting homework, losing a toy, or dealing with a tough teacher. Ask yourself: Is this something they can figure out on their own, with a little guidance?
Instead of fixing, try coaching. You might say:
- “What do you think you should do about it?”
- “That sounds tough. Want to talk through some ideas?”
- “I believe you can handle this.”
These phrases send a powerful message: I trust you. You’ve got this. You’re still supporting them—but you’re not doing the work for them.
When to Step In (and When Not To)
Of course, this doesn’t mean you turn into an emotionally distant parent.
Some situations do require intervention—especially those involving bullying, safety, or mental health concerns. But most everyday struggles?
They’re actually golden opportunities for growth. As Dr Lahey says in The Gift of Failure:
“The setbacks, mistakes, miscalculations, and failures we have
shoved out of our children’s way are the very experiences that teach them how to be resourceful, persistent, innovative, and resilient citizens of this world.”– Dr. Jessica Lahey
Let your child be disappointed sometimes, let them make a bad decision, let them forget the library book, or let them mix up the school project instructions.
You’ll be surprised how resourceful they can become when given the space to figure things out.
From Saviour to Supporter
Changing from a fixer to a guide doesn’t mean being less loving. It means loving smarter.
It’s recognising that your job isn’t to eliminate all bumps in the road but to help your child learn to drive the car.
And if you ever feel guilty (because we all do), just remember: resilience isn’t built in comfort. It’s built-in discomfort, with someone cheering you on from the sidelines.
So the next time you’re tempted to “save the day”, take a breath, step back, and let your child do the messy, wonderful work of growing up.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for informational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice from Mamahood. For any health-related concerns, it is advisable to consult with a qualified healthcare professional or medical practitioner.
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