Parents praise their children all the time, for a variety of reasons and with different goals in mind.
Whether it’s cleaning their room, or washing the dishes or putting their toys away when asked, children feed on this sort of positive reinforcement. Sometimes to their detriment.
Praising is a form of social approval, and scientific research has show that it can make us feel good.
But like anything that induces pleasure and happiness, it can quickly become addictive.
Therefore, it’s important that parents deliberate carefully before haphazardly administering praise, because in some cases, it may be causing more harm than good.
Fortunately, there are ways to properly use praise in your parenting,
Pros and Cons of Praise
Praise can be a double-edge sword in childrearing.
On one hand, it can build confidence, increase motivation, develop self-esteem and enforce good behaviour.
On the other hand, it can cause narcissism, perfectionism, and other neurotic behaviours.
The trick with praising is knowing what kinds of things to praise, how to praise, and how much you should be praising.
Let me break down the basics for you.
How to Praise
The first rule of praising is to be sincere.
Praise them genuinely and kindly, for things that you sincerely believe deserve praise.
It’s also good to use the right facial expressions when giving praise.
Another mistake is thinking your child doesn’t deserve praise because they’ve recently done something naughty.
Your child is human, so learn to distinguish genuine mistakes from genuine achievements. They are different and should be responded to differently.
Withholding praise as punishment is just preventing your children from doing all the good things they want to do.
How Much to Praise
It’s important to neither overpraise nor underpraise your children.
But striking a balance is hard, especially if you find that praising itself can be a powerful tool of control.
You shouldn’t use praise as a weapon to get your kids to do what you want because that’s just unethical.
Moreover, it can cause your kids to develop an addiction to praise.
Most people, not just kids, do things just to get a compliment because it makes them feel good.
It’s been scientifically proven that praise triggers the pleasure centres of the brain, similar to the feeling you get when eating a decadent meal or watching television.
Overpraising can train your child’s brain only seek happiness from other people’s validation, and that’s not healthy, mentally or emotionally.
What to Praise
Altruism
While praising specific traits is generally not recommended, one trait that you should be praising is altruism, or any other pro-social behaviour like compassion and kindness.
If your child is shows altruistic behaviour like sharing, turn-taking, comforting, helping and others, you should praise them for it.
They may grow up as philanthropic adults who enjoy doing random acts of kindness for no reward. Which is certainly something we all aspire for our children to become.
Effort
Regardless of whether they succeed or fail in various endeavours, be it exams, contests or games, you should always praise your child for the effort they put into the activity.
Effort is such an important quality to have and cultivate, and praise is one of the ways you inculcate habits, both good and bad.
Knowing that their effort was good enough can motivate them to try better next time.
Cooperation
As most parents may attest, some kids may at times be resistant and stubborn.
Sometimes they won’t do something just because they despise authority, not because the deed itself is particular hard or harmful.
Just know that getting kids to play by your rules is a feat in and of itself.
So when they do display some degree of compliance, don’t forget to praise them for it.
However, this can be a tempting means for some parents to control their kids.
So, it’s best to avoid overusing praise for eliciting obedience; you’ll find that it works less and less as time goes on.
What Not to Praise
Winning
It’s tempting to want to praise your kids for beating their peers or winning games.
But this may create a competitive streak in your child that can turn into an ugly need for dominance once they’re adults.
Earning scores is good for morale, especially in friendly matches, but winning should not be the only goal. More so for kids.
The idea of competitions, in my opinion, is just generally not good for society—for plenty of reasons.
Outcomes
Avoid praising your kids for the physical products they create, or rather it shouldn’t be the only thing that they’re praised for.
Trophies and test scores are great, but then your child may grow up chasing gold stars and numbers their entire lives.
So, parents, do avoid attaching their worth to something physical.
Remember, the effort, perseverance, creativity, and courage that your kids put into something is more valuable than whatever tangible rewards they may gain as a result.
Talents
It may be hard to avoid praising your kids for their natural-born gifts.
Especially as some parents may enjoy taking credit for their kids’ achievements and talents.
But just because it may be seen as normal, doesn’t mean you should do it.
We take pride in the value that our offspring bring to the world, but praising them just for that one specific thing they’re exceptionally good at is not good for their holistic development.
Especially when they discover that there are other people in the world who are so much better at it than them.
Praise your kids for their gifts, but praise them for other things, too.
Beauty
This is a hard pill to swallow, but the reason why so many of us fear growing old or getting fat is that we were probably overpraised for being beautiful as children.
There is absolutely no harm in praising your kids for being pretty or handsome; many children are naturally blessed with good genes and good looks.
But looks fade, as much as we hate to admit it, and not all of us may age gracefully.
Praising your kids for their physical, outward appearance too much can result in them growing up with the idea that beauty is everything. It’s the reason ‘pretty privilege’ exists.
Instead, praise them for how well-groomed they are, or how nice their outfit looks that day.
Good personal grooming and a good fashion sense can sometimes do more for a person than beauty ever can.
Conclusion
Praising is one of the essential parts of parenting.
Unfortunately, some parents may either do it wrong, or don’t do it enough.
Some may even overpraise their children, thinking it will boost their kids’ self-esteem to the heavens.
But there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.
One important thing to remember is that the goal of praising is not merely to enforce good behaviour but to strengthen your relationship.
Kids who are not praised, even for small things, can fee underappreciated and unloved.
They may go their entire lives seeking approval, if not from you, then from strangers or people who don’t really matter.
So, practice these praising fundamentals, and you will raise exceptional and well-adjusted children.
You’ve got this, parents!
Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for informational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice from Motherhood. For any health-related concerns, it is advisable to consult with a qualified healthcare professional or medical practitioner.
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