There are thousands of parenting books currently in the market, and billions more sold each year. A phenomenon that reflects just how anxious adults are about being good parents.
This is a stark contrast to the days of our Gen X parents, who primarily tend to take on the advice of their own parents before them. Or wing it in their own unique, albeit possibly misguided way.
But the advantage millennials and Gen Z parents have is good old, evidence-based science. Research that proves once and for all which parenting tips work and which don’t.
Some of these may be stating the obvious, written in the pages of those parenting manuals you’ve seen in bookstores. But you’d be surprised just how many parents fail at them, despite possibly being at it for years and having multiple children.
Here are 5 evidence-based tips on how to raise happy, healthy kids.
It Takes Two to Tango
Surprisingly, a 2010 study showed that how you maintain your relationship with your spouse, partner or co-parent is more important than any child-centred parenting practices. Parents who love, respect and take care of each other (and themselves) produced happier children.
In contrast, a distrustful and volatile marriage full of resentment and fighting can make children feel unloved and unhappy. If you know there are faults in your marital relationship, perhaps it’s time to get some professional help. A marriage counsellor can help you rectify problem areas and become better partners.
Remember, a happy marriage makes happy children.
The Right Kind of Love
Another no-brainer, but something that many parents fail at more than you may expect. According to several studies, children who grew up receiving lots of physical affection from their parents grow up to be happier adults. But how the parents provide this love is important too.
Some parents give their kids money, toys, leniency, possessions and privileges beyond their wildest dreams—anything but actual time, attention and affection. You can’t bribe your kids’ love.
Showing love to your kids means being kind, comforting, empathetic, and attentive. Physical, skin-to-skin contact, hugging, kissing, cuddling. That is how you form bonds of love. It’s also important to note that “unconditional” love is also important. Don’t just shower your kids with affection only when they get a good grade win a competition, clean their room, or do as they’re told. Love them despite their flaws.
Make Peace with Imperfection
Strict, overbearing parents who put impossible expectations on their kids will more likely raise anxious, depressed and resentful adults. Whether its education, physical appearance, behaviour, etc, imposing your standards of perfection on your kids is not how you become successful parents.
This 2022 research, shows that some parents pass on their perfectionistic tendencies to their children. Which is how neurotic and unhappy adults are born—adults who are stressed, have low self-esteem, and think people are often disappointed in them.
Allow your child to make mistakes (and learn from them), to have fun, to experience the world in their own chaotic and inspired way. Remember: how they are like by nature is the perfect version of themselves.
Self-Care is Not Selfish
Parental burnout is real and research has shown that it can jeopardise your parenting efforts.
Work-related stresses, domestic duties and yes, even marital disputes, can add on to a form of psychological breakdown. Which children often pay for, either through neglect, abuse or a combination of both.
This is why stress management is so important. Kids thrive in a calm, happy home; and a stressful parent can easily disrupt that. Any financial, medical or psychological issues can make children feel unsafe and insecure.
So, make sure to take care of yourself as much as you take care of your spouse and kids. I understand that this can seem impossible at times considering the world we live in, but fret not. There are ways to manage your stress.
Spare the Rod, Spoil Save the Child
Whoever came up with the original iteration of this saying may have been a terrible parent. Because spanking, beating, slapping, lashing, caning and any form of corporal discipline has been shown time and time again to be psychologically damaging for children.
It also breaks trust, destroys relationships and creates a wedge between parent and child that can never be mended.
Discipline should ideally be fair, forgiving, gentle yet effective. Without resorting to violence or insults. Moreover, it’s important to apologise to your child when you know you’ve made a mistake. Parents aren’t infallible, after all.
Ask Yourself the Tough Questions
Something that not many adults may not be willing to do is reassess their own parental competence.
Ask yourself, why do you want to be a better parent? Why buy all those parenting books and read all those articles? Do you do it to boost your own self-esteem or to give your children a better future?
These can sound like harsh questions, but answering them will take you one step closer to being a better parent.
There is No Perfect Parent
There will be plenty of times where you will stumble and fall during your journey to become a better parent. We are all learning, after all.
The thing to remember is that children are still coming into their own. They are learning from the adults around them and experiencing the world in new ways every day. So, it’s important to be gentle and understanding, especially when they make mistakes or misbehave.
At the end of the day, there is one thing that all those parenting books have in common: becoming a better parent is not something you do for yourself, but an act of sacrifice you do out of love. To give your kids a better, happier and more fulfilling life than you ever dreamed for yourself. And that is all any parent can hope for.
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