It usually starts with a harmless message: “Just signed Mia up for the weekend Mandarin class; she loves learning extra languages!”
Or: “Here’s Ethan’s bento lunch today; he helped me decorate the rice panda!”
Typed out in cheery tones and sprinkled with emojis, these kinds of updates fill WhatsApp parent groups daily.
But over time, for some mums, they stop feeling casual. They start to sting.
Are these just proud parent moments or subtle performances?
Welcome to the world of competitive mothering in WhatsApp chats, where well-meaning messages can spiral into silent pressure and comparison.
The Group Chat That Never Sleeps
For many parents, especially mothers, WhatsApp group chats are a lifeline.
They’re the quickest way to get updates from the school, swap parenting hacks, and share concerns about picky eating or potty training.
But as more of our parenting lives play out online, something else creeps in: the quiet urge to keep up.
One mum posts her toddler’s reading progress. Another shares a photo of a homemade learning corner.
Before you know it, the group starts to feel like a scoreboard – where parenting becomes performative, and everyone is subtly trying to outdo each other.
The Unspoken Pressure to Perform
Modern motherhood already comes with an endless checklist: screen time limits, sugar-free snacks, enrichment classes, and emotional regulation.
All of this before you’ve had your first cup of coffee.
Add a hyperactive WhatsApp group into the mix, and it can feel overwhelming.
The pressure doesn’t necessarily come from anyone being malicious but from comparison fatigue.
There’s even a name for it: “intensive mothering”. The idea that being a good mum means investing every ounce of time, energy, and attention into your child.
And when mothers post updates that align with this ideal, even unintentionally, it reinforces the belief that this level of devotion is the baseline.
When Sharing Becomes Comparing
Let’s be clear: there’s nothing wrong with sharing parenting wins. It’s natural to want to celebrate milestones or swap advice.
The problem arises when sharing slips into subtle competition.
Who can pack the healthiest lunch?
Whose child reads the earliest?
Whose parenting style looks the most “gentle” or “conscious”?
And this comparison doesn’t always stay in the group chat. It seeps into how mums feel about themselves.
The phenomenon of performative online mothering is not new, of course.
It is prevalent in the West, especially in online parenting communities on popular social media sites like Facebook.
The pressure to erect a perfect image of a family is, of course, enforced by the attitude of other mums too.
While aesthetic posts earn floods of heart emojis, a vulnerable text from a struggling mum gets radio silence.
Malaysia, of course, is not exempt from the cons of online mothering – it’s just more prevalent in another popular app, WhatsApp.
The Fear of Being ‘The Bad Mum’
Competitive mothering isn’t just about showing off. It’s also about not showing weakness.
Many mums may hold back from being honest in group chats because they’re afraid of being judged.
Confessing that your child watches too much YouTube, or that you had nuggets for dinner three nights in a row, doesn’t quite match the carefully curated energy of the group.
This creates a strange dynamic: everyone feels the pressure, but few people talk about it.
And when the chat culture leans too far into highlight reels, it becomes harder to build genuine connection.
What Can Be Done?
The first step is awareness.
Competitive mothering thrives in silence.
Naming it, gently, with compassion, can be freeing.
Not all group chats are toxic, and not all posts are performative.
But recognising how you feel when reading them matters.
If you catch yourself feeling inadequate after reading a message, pause. Ask yourself: Is this genuinely inspiring, or is it making me feel small?
And if it’s the latter, remind yourself that your parenting journey doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s.
Admins and more active members of WhatsApp groups can also help shift the tone: encourage real talk; make space for struggles.
Praise vulnerability. A simple “Thanks for sharing that; me too” can do wonders in reducing shame.
And sometimes, a little digital boundary helps too.
Muting the chat, limiting your scroll, or opting out of comparison-heavy threads is not rude.
At this point, it’s not even about being bitter or resentful. It’s about protecting your peace.
Parenting, Not Performing
There’s no medal for having the most photogenic lunchbox or the earliest reader.
And while WhatsApp parent groups can be a wonderful support system, they can also turn motherhood into a silent competition.
The truth? Every mum is just trying her best with what she has.
Parenting doesn’t need to be a performance – it’s messy, imperfect, and deeply personal.
Let’s make space for all of it!
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