We all have skeletons in our closets. Misdemeanors, white lies, sins of the past. There are so many things that we keep to ourselves and from our loved ones.
But then again, being an adult is tricky and wrought with peril. Which you can’t say the same for childhood. After all, kids are terrible at keeping secrets.
But why does it feel like your little one is hiding something from you? Before rummaging around in their stuff for some clues, or worse, reading their diary, let’s take a step back and understand why children, and teens especially, keep secrets from their parents.
Why Do Children Keep Secrets?
Everyone has secrets; but there’s a fine between privacy and secrecy.
Privacy is when you want something hidden due to it’s value, sanctity or personal significance.
Secrecy is when you keep things from people out of fear or shame. Secrecy can be both good and bad.
Positive secrecy usually explore new feelings and ideas in a safe environment, away from the judgement of parents or peers.
Negative secrecy arises from the need to keep embarrassing, or even dangerous information from being found out.
Secrets can also sometimes be neutral, such as hiding a surprise or good news.
If your child is being secretive, it may be for a variety of different reasons.
But by and large, strict and/or judgmental parents are largely to blame for overly secretive children.
If you know your child well, you’ll know when they’re hiding things from you.
Still, it’s important to note that most childhood secrets are innocent; they could have a boy/girlfriend, they’re going through puberty, they have a secret club, etc. There may even be a chance that they’re keeping secrets for others and not for themselves.
But there are a few red flags to watch out if you think your child’s secrets are doing them more harm than good:
- changes in personality
- changes in routine/patterns
- deteriorating health/depression
- anxious behaviour (bouncing leg)
- guilty behaviour (not looking you in the eye)
- avoidant behaviour (ignoring questions)
- physical evidence (unexplainable items, internet search history, etc.)
How to Deal with a Secretive Child
Reflect on Your Parenting
You know what they say, strict parents raise good liars. Or in this case, secret-keepers.
If you’re an authoritarian parent (or suspect that you are one), it’s time to reassess your parenting.
If you know for a fact that your kids are keeping secrets from you, they’re probably not doing it for fun.
Kids usually become overly secretive because they’ve been punished harshly in the past for honest mistakes.
If you’re overly strict and punitive in your parenting (or gossipy), your kids may not trust you. Not with innocent blunders and especially not with more important information.
So, instead of overreacting over ‘small potatoes’, as they say, keep calm and address the situation with a level-head. Your kids may be more willing to trust you with their secrets.
Put Yourself In Their Shoes
We were all children and teens once, and we all may have kept some things about our lives hidden from our parents.
So, remember that the next time you’re grilling your own kids about their secrets.
Remember how much you probably hated it when your own parents did that to you when you were younger.
In a way, keeping secrets is a natural part of growing up. It’s a way of cementing your identity away from your parents and family.
So, don’t be too harsh with your kids about any secrets that they may be hiding.
They may need some time to process the information.
In which case, your kids will tell you whatever it is they’re hiding at their own time. Or when they know they can trust you.
Don’t push it. There’s nothing worse than a well-meaning but wrongly executed attempt at getting your children to reveal their secrets.
Be More Open and Transparent
Avoid being a hypocritical parent. You know, the ones who will punish their kids for the same crimes that they themselves often commit on an occasional basis.
For instance, if you swear around the house but expect your kids to be polite little angels then that’s not setting up a good precedent.
The same thing with secrecy. If you regularly dismiss your kids’ questions about your personal life, or the lives of relatives, then you’re not being an open parent.
But then again, you may not want to show that you’re gossipy either, if so.
Gossipy parents are about trustworthy as strict ones.
A strict parent may be punitive, but a gossipy parent will peddle your secrets on the streets for anyone to hear. Or worse, to judgmental relatives who will pester you about it later during those dreaded family gatherings.
The trick with being an open parent is to create an environment in the home where your kids are free to express themselves without judgement or shame.
Letting the Truth Come to Light
Some parents may lack self-awareness. They may wonder day and night why their kids are keeping things from them. Not knowing that they might be responsible for all the secrets.
Moreover, it may take longer for you to get your kids to ‘fess up if you’re guilty of being a strict parent.
They will probably never trust you enough to tell you what they’re going through.
But you may be wondering when it’s time to intervene. Especially if you’re worried that your child may be involved with underage intercourse, banned substances, lewd material, etc.
Well, you need to have a serious, heart-to-heart with them about the dangers of those things.
Reassure them that they can tell you anything and that they won’t get into trouble if they do.
But don’t go back on your word once they do confess to you their deep, dark secrets. Resist the urge to start planning any punishments.
They’ve trusted you with an important secret, so don’t break that trust. Instead, find a way to deal with it together.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for informational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice from Motherhood. For any health-related concerns, it is advisable to consult with a qualified healthcare professional or medical practitioner.
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