Sex. It’s something us Asians may rarely talk about, and also the very same thing that is responsible for the continued existence of the human race. But let’s for once take the conversation away from the topic of mere procreation, to recreation.
In our very conservative culture, intimacy and pleasure are not things that are outwardly discussed, sometimes not even between married couples. Often it may be the men who instigate the romancing, and women who concede to the act.
But where relationships and marriages fail is when the women realise their partners cannot give them something they want beyond pleasure: intimacy.
Sure, sex is good, but just like any good story, an exciting build-up makes for a more intense, jaw-dropping climax. Pun intended.
Hence, that’s where there can sometimes be a disconnect between what women want and what men are able to give. Here’s why most men seem to have trouble recognising women’s sexual desire.
Men Don’t Put in the Effort
The sad truth is, many men fail to recognise their partner’s sexual needs even after years of marriage.
The initial honeymoon phase, all that chasing around after each other, and playing hard to get. That’s over. And most of the time, that’s what the ladies enjoy most: the feeling of being desired.
The problem is not that women don’t enjoy sex, it’s that there’s nothing motivating them to seek it out.
The art of seduction is indeed lost on some men, and it can be a difficult conversation to broach. Often when we’re married, we let ourselves go. We may dress-down, or stop exercising.
The thing about female sexual desire is that it takes more than a little flirtation to get things moving. A man needs some sex appeal to get his partner interested. So, don’t be afraid to sex-up your man.
Change his wardrobe, buy him a gym membership, or get him that bottle of cologne. Don’t be afraid to give him some encouragement too. Such as things like “You look so sexy after your workout” or “That shirt really turns me on”.
Positive reinforcement, that’s where it all starts.
Men are Bad at Timing
A man’s libido is always set on ‘default mode’, continuously running like a background program. This is why he’s horny all the time, even when you’re not.
So, if you want your man to know more about how to please you, you need to make sure he gets better with his timing.
According to this research, a woman is at her horniest during her ovulation phase. This is when she’s more receptive to sexy time.
However, even if she’s in the mood, that doesn’t mean she will necessarily initiate intercourse. Studies show that women love to play hard to get, even when they’re in committed relationships.
But this isn’t something that can easily be vocalised. You want your man to chase you but he has to do it of his own freewill, otherwise it’s no longer fun.
It can be especially hard if you need it to happen organically and spontaneously. Without premeditation or planning. Experiences that can be difficult to replicate and even harder to sync with your moon cycle.
If men knew more about a woman’s ovulation window, they would probably have more success in the love-making department.
That said, while spontaneity is often what makes sex exciting, there can also be virtue in some prior planning. The anticipation, the waiting, the ‘thrill of the hunt’ for some, can be just as exhilarating.
So, be open to setting up schedules. You’ll be surprised.
Men are Visual Creatures
According to Gad Saad, marketing professor and expert in evolutionary psychology, animal mating rituals are not that different from human courtship practices; they both rely on a visual factor.
Animals display their colourful feathers and stripes. On the other hand, human women get dolled-up, and the men show-off their sports car. Outward displays of fertility and genetic fitness.
But while women are more interested in seeing if a man can be a good provider, men are more interested in how a woman looks.
How they dress, how they smell and how they talk. Men also look at typical feminine attributes like youthful faces, wide hips, smooth skin and large breasts.
Men Don’t Know What Turns On a Woman
Men are evolutionarily wired for promiscuity, to ‘spread their seed’ often and with multiple partners. Females, on the other hand, are wired for monogamy. They will look for partners who can be loyal and who can stick around for when the babies come.
This may explain why some women are turned on by paternal and hard-working men. Guys who like kids, enjoy housework, can cook, or are otherwise comfortable with domesticity.
However, there is never just one thing that a man does that turns every woman on. You can ask any woman on the street and each one will give a different answer. And many of them don’t even sound that outwardly sexual.
Yes, traditionally masculine men with muscular bodies, a handsome face and good style will turn heads. But you will hear some women attracted to very strange (and specific) things.
Anything from a man pushing up his glasses, him sweating after exercise, an overnight stubble, assembling furniture, seeing his waist exposed when he’s reaching up to get something on a shelf, seeing a man drive stick, the veins that pop up on a man’s hand. The list goes on and on. But some women also have very elaborate sexual fantasies that can involve dramatic role play and dress-up.
So, don’t be hesitant about voicing out what turns you on about your man. Or what your sexual fantasies are. Write him a list if you must, or a sexy note in his underwear drawer. Maybe then he’ll know exactly what to do to get you in the mood.
Men Are Often Terrible at Sex
Most men have zero game; their intercourse skills are subpar at best and leave little to be desired. So, there’s really no reason for their wives or girlfriends to come back for round two.
A majority of women don’t have libido problems, it’s just they need a little bit more to get the juices flowing. But bad sex skills are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to bedroom problems.
Premature ejaculation is another and one quite common in Malaysia, if you can’t already guess from all the streetlamp flyers. Strange aphrodisiacs and numbing oils peddled around to men who don’t know how to pleasure their wives.
It also doesn’t help that most men also don’t know how to find the G-spot, a.k.a. the ultimate pleasure centre in a woman’s body. According to psychology professor, David Ludden (PhD), most men don’t know how female orgasms function, or the role the clitoris plays in the experience.
If this is a problem you’re encountering in your own life, maybe it’s time to get your man a copy of the Kama Sutra. If you think his ego can handle being told that he’s bad in the bedroom. Or for something a little less emasculating, give him some pointers in the bedroom.
Don’t Be Shy to Voice Out Your Desire
At the end of the day, women’s desire is to BE desired. Hours and hours of foreplay, for instance, can be so much more exciting than 15 minutes of actual penetrative intercourse.
All it takes is a little heart to heart. We always talk about sex talk for our kids. But the sex talk for adults, between adults, is often just as important.
Who knows, actually talking about having sex (and engaging in a little demonstration), may just be the spark that lights the flame. You’ve got this, ladies!
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