Death is an inevitable fact of life.
But even though many adults understand this necessary but tragic truth, it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
So, imagine what it’s like for a child who has no concept of mortality.
That’s why some parents teach their kids early on that death is normal.
When a pet or relative dies, they hold a funeral, they avoid euphemisms where they can and help their kids learn from the experience.
Most kids who learn about mortality this way early on have a healthy relationship with death.
But what about those who are kept in the dark?
How do they fare when a loved one dies, like a beloved parent?
How Children Learn About Death
Do you remember when was the first time you heard about the word ‘death’?
Was it by accident or on purpose?
A new vocabulary you picked up when eavesdropping on adult conversations?
Or, gasp, something you learned as early as primary school?
For many Malaysians, we were taught at an early age that death was real. Things like the afterlife, heaven and hell, or reincarnation, etc. are a staple in many local faiths.
The truth is religion does provide some level of comfort, not just for kids but adults too.
The promise of potentially seeing their loved ones again in the hereafter can be an important coping mechanism.
But these are all theological technicalities.
They don’t necessarily prepare children emotionally for the heart-wrenching loss of parental death.
We don’t truly understand death outside of a textbook perspective until we experience it ourselves.
For children, this may come in the death of a beloved family pet, or a distant relative.
Children never forget the first time they’ve witnessed death. Either by seeing an actual deceased person or creature, or seeing other people’s response to it.
Death, Children and the Grieving Process
There is no shortage of things that can kill us: accidents, crime, disease.
So, a death can either be sudden and quick like a car-crash or slow and painful like cancer.
Some people may argue that dying quickly is better, preferably in your sleep.
But those with young kids may tell you they’d rather have a slow death.
With plenty of time to make more memories, say goodbye, grieve and help transition their children through this difficult process.
But not everyone gets this luxury, if you can even call it that.
That’s why it’s always a good thing to teach our kids about death as soon as they are able to understand what it means.
If anything, to help them cope better if a premature death does indeed occur in the family.
But even then, nothing can truly prepare a child, let alone an adult, when a sudden death happens.
In this 2010 study, researchers found that the surviving parent, relative or guardian may be unable to give the child the emotional support they need because they too are engrossed in their own grieving process. Which is why the need for grief counsellors is so important for families who are going through bereavement.
But one thing’s for sure, children do not grieve in the same way that adults do.
According to this 2017 research, here are some ways that children grieve that may seem strange to adults:
- Puddle-jumping: One of the reasons why adults think children don’t grieve is that kids do something called ‘puddle-jumping’, a term coined by grief experts Diana Crossley in her book Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine. Literally jumping in and out of their grief. Bereaved children can switch from bouts of depression one moment to fun playtimes the next. This is a safety mechanism to protect their brains from experiencing too many overwhelming emotions.
- Avoidance: This may be something that adults can relate to. Grieving children may avoid loss reminders. Often avoiding talking about the deceased parent, going into their room, touching their things, or otherwise avoiding any physical reminders of their life.
- Prolonged grief: Children may continue to express their grief through art and play and talking about their deceased parent(s) long into adolescence. The grieving process is significantly longer the younger the child experiences parental death as they slowly understand and come to terms with the concept of mortality.
The Psychological Effects of Grief on Children
When kids are robbed off either or both parents too soon with, no closure, it can leave permanent psychological scars.
According to this 2017 study, children experience parental death differently.
However, certain ‘symptoms’ were common: depression, anxiety, anger issues, stress, PTSD.
In adulthood (or even as young as adolescence), these children were more likely to suffer from substance abuse, eating disorders, self-harm, criminal tendencies, and other risk-taking or destructive behaviour. This is to help the child avoid confronting the dark and uncomfortable feelings.
Children who did not necessarily understand that their parent had died experience the grieving process differently. Usually grieving in response to the grief of the surviving parent who is mourning the death of his or her spouse.
But in all cases, the bereavement is particularly intense if the child had a particularly close relationship with the deceased parent.
According to this study, children who experienced a parental death became more socially withdrawn, had lower self-esteem and anxiety. They were also at a higher risk of suicide.
One study also showed that teens who lost a parent to sudden death experience poor work performance once they entered young adulthood (18 and above).
They were also less interested in forming or maintaining relationships with other people, excelling in their education, building careers.
Crossing the Rainbow Bridge
No one truly gets over the death of a parent, not even adults.
Not even when we’re emotionally prepared for it. The healing process can take years.
But it can be particularly hard for a growing child, who needs both parents to feel whole.
Losing one or both parents can shatter this sense of security and safety, forcing the child to seek safety in dangerous and unhealthy things.
There are many ways to help a child in the grieving process, but if you’re grieving yourself you may not be able to do so effectively.
So, it’s always a good idea to involve an expert like a grief counsellor.
Studies show that things like art and play therapy have been shown to help alleviate the depression and trauma that is common among bereaved children.
Preparing your child for a possible death can seem nihilistic, but it may be something that you eventually have to do.
While we’re on the topic, when was the last time you and your own parents had an honest heart-to-heart about death? Perhaps that’s a long overdue conversation that needs to happen.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for informational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice from Motherhood. For any health-related concerns, it is advisable to consult with a qualified healthcare professional or medical practitioner.
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