Alan Oh’s enthusiasm at immersive fatherhood and being hands-on with his wife’s postpartum care is infectious to say the least. When he spoke about the importance of father playing the role of “Confinement Daddy” nursing mum back to health at a Tollyjoy Partners in Parenting talk recently ─ the stage at once lit up.
“It was the Chinese New Year of 2012 when my first son arrived,” he said, recalling his early fatherhood days at the talk. “We were trying to get a confinement lady at the time but were quoted RM8,000 (excluding angpow, herbs and food required for confinement). We had no money, I was freelancing at the time and financially bootstrapping. So, I suggested to my wife that I be the Confinement Dad instead.”
She accepted and that’s how “confinement daddying” started for Alan.
“I hope to raise an army of Confinement Daddies. Once fathers are emotionally engaged, they can change the fate of the whole family.” ─ Alan Oh, Confinement Daddy
Of course, there are limitations to what a man can do, he acknowledges. For example, “these breasts are useless,” he said jokingly to his audience, indicating his chest. “They can’t produce milk. Yet we, as fathers, can support our spouses in many other ways in this critical time.”
When fathers step up to the plate to give mother and baby their space to flourish, it can be a most rewarding time, he said.
Maybe it was his bubbly demeanour, maybe it was his honesty, but his presence on stage that day got his audience opening their eyes and pricking up their ears.
Of course, what helped spark the intrigue was the peculiarity of the job proposed. Confinement daddying is not something you hear of everyday and certainly, a Confinement Daddy is not someone you meet everyday.
“Confinement Daddy is a very rewarding once-in-a-lifetime experience. No amount of money can buy it. At the same time, the struggles of a full-time working Dad are very real. The good news is: There are ways to overcome it, using preparation and the right knowledge. Fathers, do not miss this opportunity! Take up the challenge and write your children’s 1st chapter of life with love, dedication and sacrifice. It will be the building block for wonderful memories in the years to come.” ─ Alan Oh, Confinement Daddy
“What does a man know about confinement?” he asked rhetorically. “It’s a woman’s domain!
“But we were given ‘advice’ like not taking a bath for one month, not drinking water, all food must have ginger, mum must lie down all day, cannot use air con or fan and if you don’t follow, you will have problems later like rheumatoid arthritis, osteoporosis, difficulty in conceiving, or worse: cancer! I had to sift through the truths and myths of these old wives’ tales and combine them with what we know as science today.”
Incidentally, both Alan and his wife Chai Phei hold science degrees. And when these well-meaning but pseudo instructions couldn’t compute with their scientific minds, Alan decided to take matters into his own hands.
“My wife’s comfort and peace of mind were my utmost priority,” he said, in pointing out the driving factor.
But not knowing what he didn’t know, he admits that the business of getting down to confinement chores such as preparing confinement food, bathing the baby, changing diapers and bottle feeding, “was tough”. The learning curve was very steep, not to mention tiring and stressful too as he had to immediately apply whatever he learnt on-the-spot.
Being a man ─ it must have been doubly hard, delving into areas alien to the male of the species. But “despite that, I enjoyed every moment of it,” he attests. “It was such a great joy to see my wife nursed back to health and my baby growing strong and healthy. The confinement period without a confinement lady turned out to be a blessing in disguise.”
Evolving into a Confinement ‘Expert’
Fast forward to 2019, and Alan has become a pretty competent Confinement Daddy, having applied hard-learned skills from his first child to his second and his third.
In between, he fine-tuned everything he learned, added helpful equipment and even customized the traditional Confinement Timetable for his postpartum wife. He also applied what he refers to as “reverse engineering” on the confinement foods he was preparing, tweaking them to his wife’s preference and taste.
“It is absolutely amazing to witness your baby growing in size (amazing 70%-100% growth in weight within a month!) and watching a glow, radiance and youth coming back to your wife. Don’t miss it!” ─ Alan Oh, Confinement Daddy
Alan is not a cook professionally but works in marketing research at an MNC (fulltime now, not part time like his early impoverished days) and when he says “reverse engineering”, it basically means he analyzed the herbs used in commercial packaging so that he could measure, weigh and buy them on his own while adjusting them to his wife’s requirements, and “saving 30% on the spending but using better quality herbs at the end of the day.”
Flower Power & Herbal Help-Out
As can be deduced by now, Alan is a strong believer of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). In recounting how he was convinced of the power of Chinese herbs, he told a compelling but heart-wrenching story:
“It was the fourth day after my first son was born and there was no breastmilk supply. He was hungry and was crying and crying and we did not know what to do. For the first time in my life, I saw my wife break down. She wept. She is a strong lady, yet she cried. She was so frantic.
“I was thrown into panic mode. So I implored the divine: ‘Since we are given this child, can we have breastmilk too?’. Then an idea struck me. ‘Go and ask the Chinese sinseh for help.’ I rushed there and the Chinese sinseh gave me a concoction of herbs for breastmilk letdown. We had breastmilk that very night itself.”
From that moment on, Alan was a believer and began studying confinement herbs in earnest as it was proven they worked miraculously.
But he adds another point, upon remembering those early anxious days: “Postpartum depression is VERY real. Avoid it at all costs! And the key to avoid postpartum depression is a father’s support and care.”
Fine-Tuning a Newfound Skill Set
With better understanding of how herbs worked, he revised commercial recipes to make them even more palatable and efficacious for his wife. He also added a critical component to their must-have confinement paraphernalia: “A double boil cooker!”
It proved to be a real time saver, freeing him time to experiment and to spend quality moments bonding with his growing family.
“All the skills and knowledge of postpartum care can be gained easily. All you need to have is the willingness to take up the challenge and agreement from your spouse to take care of her.” ─ Alan Oh, Confinement Daddy
By the time his third child arrived, he was a confinement “pro”. This time, he even enlisted the help of his older children to help out mummy and new baby.
“It was the best bonding time I had with my children,” he recalls. “We created memories that will last for a lifetime. Somehow, they developed an interest in cooking and baking. I hope this will last them a lifetime.”
Understanding Herb Use & the Concept of Chinese Confinement
Of course, not everyone is into herb use and one culture may prefer herbs and tonics from their own background and teachings. However, if one is practicing confinement and is into TCM, then according to Alan, these herbs are essential in nurturing the postpartum mum back to health. There are specific herbs to be used at different times with different objectives.
And there are basically Four Phases in confinement practice. Each phase ranges seven to 10 days, subject to mum’s condition. The general principle is, if mum is weak or she has had a C-section, confinement should be extended for a total of 40 days.
KEY PHASES OF CONFINEMENT PRACTICE
- Phase 1: CLEAR. Objectives: Facilitate discharge of lochia blood, establish breastmilk and stabilise hormones to reduce risks of postpartum depression.
- Phase 2: CONDITIONING. Objectives: To further stabilise hormonal fluctuation, increase breast milk production, conditioning key organs (especially stomach and liver) so that the body can absorb strong tonics at next stage.
- Phase 3: TONIFY. Objectives: To facilitate absorption of strong tonics (eg. ginseng, cordyceps, 8 treasures, White Phoenix pills).
- Phase 4: BEAUTIFY. Objectives: Facilitate repair of skin and soft tissue. (This is the time when collagen, bird’s nest and fruit essence are most helpful. With the right herbs, you can experience turning-back-the-clock within this period of time).
“In case of contradicting opinions (especially from among female relatives), your spouse’s comfort and peace of mind takes utmost precedence.” ─ Alan Oh, Confinement Daddy
“After having three Confinement Dad’s experience, I redefine confinement as: One month celebration of a new member joining our family by nursing Mummy (the VVIP of our family) back to health.
‘The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” – Theodore Hesburgh’” ─ Alan Oh, Confinement Daddy
A Day in the Life of a Confinement Daddy
So what was the daily routine like for Alan when he was a Confinement Daddy? Here’s a “Day in the Life of a Confinement Daddy” vis-a-vis Alan Oh in his own words:
(When I was taking paternity leave)
Morning: Prepare simple breakfast. Normally it would be a combination of nutritious drinks, barley oats, fruits, rice and/or porridge. Prepare the two older kids to get them ready for school. Go to market to buy some fresh food for the day/week. Our baby sitter will pick up the kids to their place from school.
Afternoon: Prepare lunch. Do laundry. Prepare herbs/soup for the day/week (based on the ingredients that I had). After lunch, the massage lady will visit our home (Once or twice every week throughout confinement period). In between, I will ask my wife to go for infra-red. We have a mobile Far Infrared (FIR) unit at home. Prepare bathing herbs for baby and wife. Have a brief rest.
Evening: Pick up kids from baby sitter’s home. Prepare ingredients for breakfast tomorrow. Prepare hot water and supper for mum and kids. Sleep.
We are blessed that our kids tended to sleep through the night. Normally it would take three to four feedings per night. The most important aspect is to make sure baby’s colic is minimised and is comfortable. Mummy’s breast milk does magic on this!
(When I was working)
Routine is similar, except that I will prepare to bathe them earlier in the morning. Lunch is also prepared earlier. All my wife needed to do was to heat it up.
“By having that relationship right from the beginning, I believe a new generation of fathers will rise and raise a strong community. We can see change within our generation. That’s the hope and vision behind the Confinement Daddy concept” ─ Alan Oh, Confinement Daddy
The most important aspect is preparation and planning. With that, it will reduce much stress and allow the family to enjoy their moments together. One important note: In case you have a different opinion from your wife, just follow wife’s opinion. She knows what’s best for the baby instinctively.
“To Dads, Plan Your Leave: You have nine months to plan this. Consider taking leave during the first two weeks for confinement, which is the most critical period.” ─ Alan Oh, Confinement Daddy
Meet Alan Oh in Person
For mums and dads out there who would like to meet Confinement Daddy Alan Oh, here’s your chance.
For more inspiring stories of birth, confinement and babycare, go to Motherhood.com.my.