We all have that little voice in our heads.
The one that constantly criticises us for small mistakes, the one that laughs at our misfortunes, the one that kicks us when we’re down. This is a little thing called negative self-talk, and we all experience it from time to time.
But if you’re a mother, it may jeopardise your mental health, your work performance and even your ability to enjoy parenthood. When all is said and done, we are sometimes our own worst enemies.
Every mother experiences some good days and bad days. It’s normal. But it may sometimes feel like your brain is punishing you extra hard every time you experience those “bad days”.
It’s time to take it easy on yourself and not let negative self-talk prevent you from enjoying motherhood.
Negative Self-Talk and How it Ruins Motherhood
According to wellness coach, Elizabeth Scott (PhD), author of 8 Keys to Stress Management, negative self-talk is the internal dialogue you have with yourself that basically undermines your own abilities, potential and strengths. It is the voice of doubt that destroys your confidence and faith. We all have it, some more than others.
When it’s left to its own devices, this voice will wreak havoc on your mental health, resulting in anxiety and depression. These negative self-talks are often accompanied by distressing or unhappy memories. But as horrible as this habit is, it’s actually normal.
According to this research, our brains tend to remember negative experiences longer and more vividly than positive ones.
It is an evolutionary, life-preserving instinct that our ancestors used detect dangers and existential threats in their environment. But there is a way to un-learn this habit.
Everyone experiences negative self-talk, especially mothers. And many factors are responsible for aggravating the experience.
Societal expectations, for instance, put an unreasonable amount of pressure for mothers to excel in every area of their life. But this is not always the case.
Some women fall prey to these pressures, especially younger ones. Typical negative self-talk that most mothers go through usually revolves around feelings of guilt or shame. Errors or mishaps in parenting, bad behaviour in children, a messy, chaotic house, marital problems and even issues at work.
These feelings can manifest into an almost separate entity that seems to have a life of its own. Just know that those are not your thoughts. It’s just your brain doing what it’s programmed to do.
Fortunately, there are ways to overcome negative self-talk and lessen its hold over you.
How Mothers can Overcome the Negative Self-Talk
Feel your Feelings
Mothers are humans too, and it’s unreasonable to expect every single mum to have it together all the time. Or to be perfect.
Don’t suppress your negative feelings when they come whether its frustration, anger or despair. Yes, there may be days when you can’t stand to look at your messy house, or do the dishes or clean up after your kids.
Admit to yourself that you feel these things, and then let them go. Recognise that you’re feeling these things for a reason. They are an alarm system for when something is going wrong in your life.
It’s generally not normal to feel moody, stressed and tired all the time. And these symptoms usually precede or even trigger negative self-talk.
Commemorate your Triumphs
Journaling is such a good way to relieve stress, address problems and find solutions. One of the ways you can use journaling to your advantage is by writing down your daily triumphs, no matter how small.
You can even write the bigger wins with a bold, red pen to truly emphasise how important the moment was in your life. This may sound childish, but if you struggle with negative self-talk a lot, doing this often can help.
Reignite your happiness by remembering the small victories. Not only that, you can also use journaling to find patterns in your negative self-talk. The moments or life events in your life that trigger its emergence.
Once you ascertain these factors, only then can you address them one by one.
Write it Down
To take the journaling tip a step further, for every bad thought you have about yourself, write 5 good ones. For example, if your thought is, “I’m an irresponsible mother”, write down 5 true things that challenge that belief.
Here are some examples: “I go to work every day so I can feed the family”, “I never let my kids leave the house with an empty stomach”, “I always make sure the house is clean whenever I can”, etc.
Know that it may get harder down the line as you unpack all your insecurities and worries. If you find trouble contradicting some thoughts or beliefs, it may point to an underlying issue that may need addressing.
If one of your thoughts is, “My kids are driving me crazy”, then it’s time to ask for some help. And it’s perfectly okay.
Ask for Help
You’re not a bad mother for sending your kids away to their grandparents’ for the weekend or to a stayover camp (although this may not be so common in Malaysia, plus they can be expensive).
If you need some self-care “me time” it’s also a good idea to schedule playtimes with your kids’ friends at their parents’ house while you enjoy your kid-free day. It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help once in a while.
Babysitters are also a good idea if you need to rekindle your marriage. Work can sometimes take us away from our families, (and ourselves), so if you can afford the extra pair of hands, don’t hesitate to do so during moments of personal crisis.
And if you need professional help, there are plenty of free and subsidised mental health services available in the country,
Recharge
Negative self-talk tends to arise when we’re at our lowest. When we experience a personal setback or a humiliating defeat. So, it’s important to reclaim that sense of self-esteem. And there’s no better way than to take some time off for yourself.
Make sure to take full advantage of your kid-free weekends to truly restore your mental health.
Take a bubble bath, go on a shopping spree, catch up with old friends, have a girl’s night out. Anything to help you regain that lost spark.
Taking care of kids can be very exhausting, especially with a day job on top of that. Don’t skimp out on all those rest days.
Silence Those Inner Voices
We may never truly be rid of negative, self-sabotaging thoughts. Especially during our most vulnerable moments. But there are ways to turn the volume down on all those inner voices that keep telling you you’re not good enough.
Our brains mean well. Those negative thoughts are not actually there to demoralise or demotivate you, even though that’s what they always end up doing. They are there to help us get stronger and to help improve the areas of our lives that need to change.
Just like our physical health, negative self-talk is simply another way that your mind and body are telling you something’s wrong. But even so, our inner voices have a way of blowing things out of proportion.
Things usually aren’t as catastrophic as our brains make it to be. So, give these tips a try.
Silence those negative voices in your head once and for all and embrace the joy of motherhood with all its ups and downs. You’ve got this, mummies!
Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for informational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice from Motherhood. For any health-related concerns, it is advisable to consult with a qualified healthcare professional or medical practitioner.
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