We will all have to grieve the loss of a loved one in our lifetime. Just as our loved ones will grieve us when it’s our time to go. But as a parent, it can be almost impossible to imagine a world where we outlive our children. At the same time, death eventually comes for everyone—man, woman or child. The death of a baby can be especially hard for a new mother. Whether it’s from a miscarriage, post-birth health complications, or even a tragic accident. You may know someone who has recently lost a child. It may even be a close friend or relative. You can’t imagine what they’re going through but would very much like to offer comfort and console them. In honour of International Bereaved Mother’s Day, here are some ways you can be there for a grieving mother.
Lend a Shoulder to Cry On
If the death is relatively new, your grieving loved one may need a shoulder to cry on every so often. Be sure to be there for them when they need some support. Let them know that you are also available anytime they need to talk. It can be a lonely ordeal to mourn the loss of a loved one, even more so if they are going through it alone. So, it’s important that they have someone to rely on for emotional support. There’s probably not much you can say to relieve their pain, so it’s okay if you find yourself at a loss for words. Sometimes all you need to do is be there for them.
Respect Their Rituals
Some grieving mothers may observe certain rituals or customs to remember their deceased child. This can be anything from always leaving a plate of food at every meal or turning the nursery into a shrine, for example. Their child may have been gone for years and even decades but some mothers may still preserve the child’s room as if they were never gone. When you drop in for a visit, try to accept how your friend grieves. It will probably be a long time before they can return to some form of normalcy. However, you may need to intervene if they start exhibiting certain unhealthy coping mechanisms. There’s a fine line between holding a living room memorial and being an alcoholic.
Offer Some Comforting Words
Conversations will get a lot easier as time passes by. Discussions about the child may arise, or it may not. Grieving mothers may often unintentionally bring up the topic. During this time, you can offer some comforting words. Instead of sitting in awkward silence, try turning their attention to something else every once in a while. It may seem disrespectful, but when you’ve been grieving for so long, a change of subject can be a welcome distraction at times. For some, they may not be ready to talk about it yet. Or they may prefer not to at all. And if so, it’s perfectly okay, too. Everyone heals differently and at their own pace.
Avoid Mentioning the Child
Sometimes the clouds will part and the sun will shine through. A grieving mother may slowly come to terms with the death of her child. She may have resumed her daily life as if nothing has happened. It’s during this time that you may want to refrain from mentioning the deceased child. Not unless the mother herself mentions it in passing, or in remembrance. Grief eventually goes away in bits and pieces, but no one truly ever stops grieving.
Treat Them Normally
We’re accustomed to treating grieving individuals as if they were fragile. We look at them with pitiful expressions and walk on eggshells around them. Even if they haven’t finished grieving, they probably don’t want to be treated like a porcelain doll all the time. While it’s customary to always watch what you say around a grieving mother, make sure to help them reacclimate to the real world as well. Ask them what they had for breakfast, invite them out for lunch. Make the effort to reach out and socialise, even if it’s just small talk. It helps.
Offering Relief from the Grief
Death is not a topic that many of us talk about, and yet it is an inevitable part of life. One thing that death does teach us is that humans grieve for a reason. Grieving helps us to move on, to achieve acceptance, and to let go of any unhealthy emotions. Another thing to note is that when helping a friend grieve, it’s important not to have any expectations. Grieving is a long and exhausting process. So as a close friend, be the rock that they need to help them weather through this storm.
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