Infertility is a tough topic to discuss. It took me a long time to figure out how to start writing. It’s not that I’m concerned about sharing personal information, but remembering everything that has happened in the last decade can be overwhelming.
Did you know that over the last three decades, Malaysia’s Total fertility rate (TFR) has been declining?
TFR in women aged 15 to 49 years has fallen from 4.9 babies per woman in 1970 to 1.8 babies in 2018. And I am one of the Malaysian women who is struggling with infertility.
So, I decided to just put words on paper and share my experience in the hopes that it will help you and your loved ones in any way possible.
Let me start by revealing my struggle with infertility as a woman from the very beginning.
Noticing There Was an Issue
Having a baby was not the first thing that came to mind after getting married while still studying. Sure, I’ve always wanted children and was convinced that one day it would happen.
So, when I wasn’t able to get pregnant despite not using any protection, I didn’t give it much thought. We focused on graduating and enjoying our married life for the first three years.
I started my first job as we approached our fourth year. Since I was doing what I loved, the long hours didn’t bother me at all.
At the time, I didn’t notice my rapid weight gain until a year into the job, because I was so focused on building a career. Plus, I had always been on the heavier side since I was young. But this time, I was at my heaviest—reaching three digits.
My irregular periods were another red flag. My cycles continued for about a year without a break, which, when you think about it, is just one big cycle.
The only thing that differs is the volume. Sorry if I was too graphic, but you read that correctly. I was bleeding there for a year.
Still, I didn’t think anything was wrong because I’d heard that it was normal for your period to be messed up after marriage. I didn’t have anyone else to talk to, so I continued, hoping that the next cycle would be normal.
Finding Out It Was PCOS Infertility
It started bothering me around the end of March 2018. I began to do what anyone would do (or so I thought)—I googled the symptoms; irregular periods and infertility.
PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, was mentioned more than I could bear. I concluded that this would be the worst thing that could happen to anyone, including myself.
It was difficult for me to take that first step as I had never been to a clinic as a child. After much back and forth, I decided to see a general physician at a general clinic.
I’ll never forget what the doctor said when I told her about my condition: “Are you sure? You’ve been bleeding for nearly a year now. If you were telling the truth, I doubt you’d be walking around because it’s simply not medically possible.”
It was heart-breaking to hear this from someone you’d think had the answers.
It was emotionally exhausting to figure out what was wrong with your body while also going through it alone.
It was even more aggravating to have to explain my situation to two different doctors who couldn’t hide their disbelief. At least the second doctor was concerned enough to write me a referral letter to the hospital.
I was trying to avoid finding out the truth. But I pushed through and scheduled an appointment with Hospital Kuala Lumpur. That’s when they did a TVS (transvaginal) scan on me and discovered that I had PCOS, which is incurable, and that there was no medicine to help me get pregnant.
“Blame It All on the Weight”
The first thing the doctor said was, “You should try to lose some weight” and I obeyed. I had lost 15kgs in less than 4 months and was overjoyed when my period returned to normal during the third month.
But then came the fourth month, it didn’t stop again up until my next appointment which was two months later.
Many of you are probably aware of the agonising wait for the next appointment at a government hospital. And the need to take a day off from work because the appointment is so long?
Well, when the time came and after hours of waiting, my number was finally called. I hadn’t even had a chance to sit down before the doctor repeated what she had said 6 months before, “Lose even more weight.”
And that buried my last hope to the ground.
Fast forward to this day in 2022, I’ve received all sorts of treatments, medical or traditional. And here I am, almost ten years later, and I have never seen that double line on a pregnancy test.
I’ve definitely considered giving up more than once. Even as I write this, I’m not sure I want to be a parent.
Having said that, I’d like to let you know that there have been some moments along the way that have helped me feel positive and hopeful.
I’ve found help in a variety of ways, and I would like to share them with you here:
Connect with others
I didn’t open up to my friends or family, possibly because I was afraid of being blamed or because I was embarrassed. So, I was left to my own assumptions, both negative and positive. After a while, it kind of took a toll on me.
So, don’t be shy to open up to the people you trust. You can also talk to people you know who are going through similar difficulties.
Try searching for Facebook groups or using hashtags like #ttcjourney. You’ll find similar people sharing their journeys, which will give you a sense of belonging and information you might not have found otherwise.
Also, remember that you are not supposed to be doing this alone. Bring in your pillars of support, such as friends and family, particularly your spouse.
It was difficult for me to make my husband understand at first because I didn’t understand it myself. Our relationship suffered as a result, which took me years to realise.
As you learn more about your infertility struggles, make sure your husband understands the emotional, financial, physical, and spiritual support you require. After all, it takes two to make a baby.
Find Additional Information on PCOS Infertility
Thanks to technological advancement, we are fortunate to have information at the tip of our fingers. Thus, if you don’t feel ready to talk to someone, you can do your research on the internet.
Keep track of your menstrual cycle, the colour, and the smell. Look for any signs that seem out of the ordinary.
For example, I googled the symptoms of PCOS and discovered that they included facial hair growth, acne breakouts, and rapid weight gain.
This way, whether or not you are trying for a baby, you will be aware of any other diseases that may affect your ovary. All of this information will come in handy if you need to see a doctor.
Seek Professional Medical Advice/Consultation
While receiving support from a large number of people and information from various sources is beneficial, it can be overwhelming. You’d also have no idea whether these resources are the best fit for you, and the information could be out of date or inaccurate.
So, it’s best to consult an expert. In my case, the first or second doctor may not have the answers for you, but it will help to demonstrate that you may be able to find them elsewhere.
The faster you do so, the sooner you’ll understand what you need to do to improve and keep moving forward.
Never Blame Yourself for PCOS Infertility
Even though I haven’t been able to conceive, I am now able to manage my symptoms and control PCOS thanks to research and support from other people who are going through the same thing.
Yes, there are days when it gets to me, and I’ve regressed more times than I can count, but at least I know what I need to do to get back up.
The most important aspect of all of this is to never blame yourself for any infertility issues. Conceiving and holding your own child in your arms may be the ultimate goal, but it is a long journey that no one can prepare you for except yourself.
Continue reading and researching, and if possible, get yourself checked out regularly. Because what matters most is that you are healthy and happy so that you can go in whichever direction you choose to go.
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